June 9th, 2011 I confessed the other day that I want more kids, right there in the face of the scrutiny of having “so many” already. I’ve had quite a few people tell me I sure do have my hands full and a few not so nice stares. More than a few “you know what causes that right?” and even a couple “Y’all need to get a new hobby!” But I’ve never encountered firsthand disgust and vehemence at my larger than average family. (I’m not reading too much into those comments, am I? You got that too, right?) Okay, there was that one time from that one person who was borderline not so stable, but I basically just dismissed it. Anyway, back to those comments.. So at first I was taken aback. Then I was worried. Then all my super loyal friends stepped up and said funny and sweet stuff and I relaxed a bit. Then Matt started mouthing off about her. And as non-P.C. as his comments were they were truthful and bear repeating.
The comment that started all the mixed emotions was this one by a woman I do not know: (all typos were left in place)
“When someone chooses to have 5 children they make a pledge to themselves to support them in all ways. Clearly, this is a decision of yours not to do this so I don’t feel sorry for whatever hoops you need to jump through. We all pay taxes and I am sure with your husbands 7 deductions you are not paying that much and getting most back. When I was young I could only afford two kids and be able to support them, feed them and educate them. If someone takes state aid and “freebies” they get what they get and must be able to jump through hoops. I am a liberal democrat and just hope all of you who take free aid vote for Obama or all these freebies will disappear. Religion has guided you into something you can’t afford-5 children. Be thankful you can stay home and homeschool and do all the things you do because most can’t. They usually need to working parents to raise those 5 children with all the advantages and education they need.”
And the same woman came back again later and had this to say:
“I thought WIC was for people who were low income and needed help for their babies not to be on for 10 years as the women wrote. If you choose to keep having children because of religious reasons than your church should help you rather than the government since they are promoting having more kids than one can afford.”
There were several things in there that I did not (as my daddy used to say) want to get in a piss fight with a skunk over there at that time, but that I would like to clarify and address now.
First of all, I will not be voting for Obama or any other “liberal democrat” because that’s the whole reason we have had to justify taking that stupid government aid in the first place. If the government would get out of my (yes, I said “my” even though I don’t “work” my husband and I are of one mind, we have one bank account, it is as much mine as it is his) wallet I would have more money to buy the whole milk in the first place. Quit taking money and redistributing it and I wouldn’t have to seek money from the handouts that came out of my husband’s pocket in the first place. Yeah, so that’s how I feel about that one.
Next, the whole “religion guided me to have 5 children and my church should help us not the government” arguments… I am a Christ follower, correct. And it is our conscience that has led us to not desire birth control. Of any kind. However, unlike you suggested, we do not view our children as tax deductions. It would never even have occurred to me to call them that. The fact that you used that language makes me wonder how you see children. They have been planned and desired and hoped and prayed for. Oh, and by the way, we don’t go to church. Stick that one in your neat little box you have pictured that we fit into.
She went on to talk about how she only had 2 children and they had all the advantages she could afford. There’s where Matt got completely un-P.C. and wanted to ask her how that relationship is with them now. How enjoyable that household was when they were growing up. Because it’s not just about what events, toys, clothes, and ballet classes you can provide them with. It’s about dancing in your own home, it’s about the joy on their faces as they pass down their clothes to the next child and remembering how much they loved wearing that Batman shirt. It’s about making time for people, not just shuffling off to the next time-filling event you’ve “provided” them with. It’s about people. Not stuff.
Which brings me to my next inflammatory statement. I want and am trying for another baby.
Yes, we’ve thought we were through before. Several times if you recall. And every time I said we were through I remember a few of you snickered and said, “yeah, right” (Maury!!). And you were right. And if God would bless us so, we’d welcome as many as He would have us to have. That’s a bold statement of faith, folks. It makes me tremble a tad to write it. But the reality is this… life is about.. well, life. And I will embrace it for all it has to offer. In the fun expansive Dallas vacation times and the lean there’s barely enough for whole milk times.
One last thing, Dear critical Mother of Two,
They have names (nicknames here in the blogworld).
This one is TheOldest. He’s 9, but he’d tell you he’s 9 1/2. I only get as long with him before he’s graduated and out in the world as I’ve had already. Time is slipping away before my eyes, but I’m laughing with him, snapping his photo and reveling in his love of American History and studying the Bible. He adores children and babies and is developing his daddy’s sense of humor. He’s struggling to find his way into manhood. And we’re guiding and celebrating that journey with him.
*****
This one is TheMiddlest. He’s 8. He’s a dreamer and a tad bit clumsy at times. He enjoys the moment so much that he forgets there are walls and couches in the way of his roller skating, punk dancing, Wii playing, and chasing. He’s a competitor at heart and can smack talk with the best of ‘em. He laughs and taunts and sometimes is so tenderhearted he cries. He desires to follow Jesus with a quiet strength that amazes me.
*****
This “tax deduction” is our only girl. She’s a 6 year old who’s breezing through her math work and cursive writing and reading complete children’s books. She’s totally princess and pink and sparkly, but she has this raucous laugh that’s so contagious that the toddler has taken to imitating her. She loves dancing and twirling and singing. She loves playing dress up and learning to wear her dollies just as I wear her siblings. She told me the other day that she wants to cook and stay home with her own babies some day. And I couldn’t be more proud.
*****
This child is 4, another of the ones I would never have gotten to meet if I stopped having children when you did, is who we call BigMan. He’s the one I wrote the controversial post about. Ironic name, no, with that small frame? He nicknamed himself. And it was quite a story. He’s been quite a child, full of excitement, independence, sweetness, busyness, and funny talky voices. He is one of the many lights of our life. My snuggle bug.
*****
This “kid”, one of “too many”, is the one we still call TheBaby, though, really at 20 months (today!) he’s more the toddler, but I just can’t bring myself to let go of the “Baby” name just yet. We laughingly called him TheFinalist for a bit, but couldn’t bring ourselves to keep calling him that because we just couldn’t embrace the concept. We wanted to focus more on him, than on some temporary false desire for our own independence. He still nurses and now is beginning to ask for it: “Wanna Nur!” But he has some word for it that sounds something like “nurdaydoe”. I don’t know what it is, but I sure know what it means! He still cosleeps part of the time, he has fluffy curls that I can’t bring myself to cut just yet. He does this little back and forth dance thing to any music, but the move that really gets everyone laughing around here is his arms in the air rap song move. He climbs everything, gets into everything, and loves chasing his siblings, but hates getting in the pool.
*****
And if God, the living Father of my “religion”, sees it best to bless us with another little person we would welcome that life with such joy as you might have never seen. Our life may be chaotic and confusing to you, but the joy bursts the seams of this tiny house you might thumb your nose at.
Our lives reflect life. And it’s a marvelous Light.
June 5th, 2011 I have people say all the time to me, “I don’t know how you do it.” You know, referring to having a bunch of kids and …. (fill in the blank: going grocery shopping, playing at a playland, homeschooling, keeping my sanity).
And usually now I just smile and tell them they could do it too. Because really though it feels like it’s gotten easier, not harder having more kids, I think the real answer is that I’ve simply adjusted. Therefore, I know for a fact you could adjust just as well as I have. Really, I promise.
Saturday morning we got up at the crack of dawn (which is nothing new), I served the kids hot dogs before 7am, Matt brewed us some coffee and we hit the road. A garage sale, the Farmer’s Market, a park, Blue Coast burrito divided between Matt and me on the road, Chick-fil-A playland for the kids, another garage sale, and home to grill and play in the pool. Sounds idyllic, right? I know I used to think, “How do people do it? They talk about doing all these things with their kids, but when we try it somebody always pees their pants.”
And you know what? Somebody always does.
Today’s trip to town brought with it a poopy diaper and a discovery that I left the wet wipes out of my bag. I looked around my dirty I-Spy van (which comes in quite handy; you thought it was just laziness when really it’s a survival skill I’ve developed), I found some napkins and a bottle of water. Knowing that the napkins would disintegrate if I poured the water directly on them before wiping aforementioned dirty bottom, I left the diaper under his little bottom, poured the water on that cute little booty and then wiped. Rinse and repeat. It wasn’t a show-stopper. Nobody cried or flipped out or even cussed. Nothing was bought to fix the problem. Just a little resourcefulness and a “go on about our rat killin’”.
There were other issues, somebody spilled the hand cleaner, there were 2 potty emergencies, there was an unplanned side of the road nursing session (yes, for the toddler, that’s how we roll), the van started making a new noise, we got to the burrito place 15 minutes early and had to drive around to kill time, and other varied and sundry issues.
But such is life with kids. Embrace it, don’t fight it.
The days that go well, I’ve noticed are the days I roll. Not the days I feel entitled to things going smoothly. Not the days I dig in my heels and grit my teeth.
That’s how I do it. No secrets. Having 5 kids, being an attachment parent, homeschooling, staying home and consequently choosing way less money. It’s all hard. If there’s any secret it’s this: It’s never easy. Not having one child, not having 15. Not homeschooling, not public schooling. It’s all hard. Breastfeeding, formula feeding. Staying home, working. It’s all hard. Life is hard. I just pick the things that work best for us. I choose the things I like most, I don’t let much scare me off. And I’m learning to roll with the punches.
May 30th, 2011 I had a friend with younger children ask me about this a while back and I keep forgetting to write this (howdy, Brooke!) and then last night I saw Smockity Frocks talking about the chores her little ones under 5 years old do and I completely agreed, loved it, linked it up on my Facebook page and then remembered I should write this post. So here it is!
 The kids, just after I gave The oldest a “high and tight”, The Middlest a mohawk, and BigMan a “faux hawk”. Silly kids!
We’ve had the kids help out since they were tiny (like, between one and two years old).
They can, they will, and they should.
Whether you have many kids and really need their help (because they are, after all, the ones making the most of the messes, hello?) or if you have one child. Work is good. They feel a sense of accomplishment when they’ve actually completed something. They will have to work the rest of their lives, they may as well get used to it now. And if they adjust to working now and having a good attitude about it, it will make having to work (outside the home or not) so much more pleasant the rest of their lives. It teaches them independence. Lots of reasons. All good.
The first thing to remember is why you are having them work. It is to teach them how to work and why, not for slave labor and not for the perfection of it. Because it won’t be perfect, you know? They need to learn to clean up behind themselves, to have a servant’s heart and clean up after others sometimes too (because sometimes we just have to do that, and as moms and dads we have to do that a lot, right?), and to take pride in their belongings – to take care of their things. It’s all training.
Now that we all agree the kids should work and why they should work, let’s talk about what they should do and when, yo?
When we had just one or two little ones the main thing we worked on with them was their own toys.
 The 2 oldest when they were oh so little. Photo credit: A Noble Photo
If they dumped a bucket of toys and then they finished playing with said toys and wanted to wander off they had to pick up that small bucket of toys first. This was not always easy. In fact most times it was not. But that was how it was. If you dumped that bucket you sat there until it was picked up. (I am assuming you know that they must be old enough and mature enough to be able to follow this command.) If out of complete defiance they flopped on the floor throwing a fit (silent or not so much) they would sit next to that bucket until they did it. It was their choice: 2 minutes of work or 20 minutes of crying and fit throwing and then they still had to pick them up. Another good lesson, no?
I would have them put away their own shoes when they took them off. I had them pick up messes they made accidental or not. I would help them, it was not out of punishment for making a mess, it was just that they needed to know they should clean up what they mess up. Again, for life training. They should not, as adults, expect other people to clean up after them.
As they got a little older (think: the 2-4 year old crowd) I had them help with sorting and switching the laundry with me. Great for their sorting skills and gross motor skills. Plus, that part didn’t feel so much like work it was more fun because it was helping Mama out. I begin to have them put the clean trash sack in the trash can (they’ll need your help, but usually like popping the trash bag open) be sure to go behind them and fix the bag so that when your next child comes along and dumps trash in it the bag doesn’t collapse (again, you’re not expecting perfection, just training them).
I also began to have them gather laundry from the bathroom – we had laundry baskets with wheels on them so it made it easier, but regular baskets can be used as well. They can be taught to pick up just a bit of laundry at a time, put them in the basket, and then push the basket to the laundry room.
I sometimes have them sort the silverware, but with my supervision. Pointy forks and small clumsy children make me nervous together. I also have them hand me the clean dishes from the dishwasher to put away.
I have them dump their own plates into the trash and set them in or beside the sink. Go only with what they can do. You’ll have to assess that according to your own particular child. Some are more capable before others. These are only what I’ve done with mine.
As they get older, reassess and reassign. This is where we are now. I realized that my daughter has a propensity to play with everything, everywhere, all the time. So when it comes time to clean her room she’s overwhelmed. I helped her get it under control the other day (oh my word, the work that took!) and put some of her buckets of toys (the Barbies, ponies, Dora figures set, and musical instruments) up out of reach – she’ll have to “check” them out when she wants them. That way I can oversee that she actually cleans up after each set of toys, thereby skipping the whole overwhelmed feeling. I pared down her stuffed animals and baby dolls to a manageable amount and assigned “homes” for the rest of her stuff (baby doll clothes, dress up clothes). I also realized the only things my older 2 kids play with (both boys who share a room) are their legos, dress up clothes, stuffed animals and puzzles. So I took out everything but those things. Assigned those things buckets and put their small random favorite stuff in a bucket with a lid that will fit under their loft bench. Again, manageable for when I send them to their rooms now to clean. As of right now, BigMan (age 4) is only required to get his shoes put up, his dirty clothes brought to the laundry room and pick up his own toys into one large bucket (it’s too much for him to sort all of his toys right now so he’s allowed to just dump all his toys into one big tub).
As far as the living areas which they are required to do a quick pick up 1 – 2 times a day most days, those are assigned and rotate. Until now that rotation has looked like this:
I keep this chart on the clipboard with their school assignments in a prominent place in the dining room, so that they can refer to it themselves. They are generally told to pick up their own stuff throughout the day, but sometimes that gets kind of grey – such as the 3 blankets that come off my bed when they watch tv or read and more than one child uses them to cuddle under through the day. Someone has to put them up. Also it’s not going to hurt them to put each other’s things away (I just make sure that one child isn’t making the most messes and allowing the others to clean their stuff over and over – then that child must clean their stuff out of each area before cleaning their assigned area. This quick pick up of the 3 main living areas (the kitchen, the dining room, the living room) takes less than 10 minutes. They do it all at once and we enjoy relative clean for a bit.
But here’s where it’s changing for us. And it has changed many times over the years. Each time according to the children’s abilities, adding more children to the family, and assigning more responsibility. I’ve known for a while that BigMan is ready for more responsibility but I wasn’t sure how to divide up the work. So I began to pray for wisdom and watch for areas that could be changed.
Then one day while I was laying down with the 2 youngest at naptime and MyOldest (age 9 and 1/2) was “bored” because he had lost tv and video game privileges he surprised me with work he had done. Seriously, he was so proud of himself, chomping at the bit to show me what he had done. He had folded and put away the clean laundry, switched the laundry, started a new load of laundry, and unloaded the dishwasher. On his own. That’s when I knew. It was time. He’s ready for more responsibility. He wants to prove himself, he wants to contribute in a noticeable way. So, the new plan we talked about last night (and that he’s excited about, at least for the moment) is that he will no longer be cleaning a living area that task will be given to his 4 year old brother, who’s been ready and waiting for more responsibility. And TheOldest will now take on the laundry and dishes. Not solely, but alongside me until he masters it. And then he will take it on mostly himself until he’s ready to move onto other things. And until I split those chores with his younger siblings.
Another reason I like to clearly define an area to clean instead of a general “get your own belongings put away” command is that they (and I) can see what they have done and have left to do. I know exactly how much each child has done. I can look into the room and tell them specifically what’s left to pick up. It’s clear and definitive what they must work on.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe the bulk of the kids’ days should be spent doing work, I believe they are kids. They should play. But I believe in balance. Their minds should be engaged in work (think: school and problem solving), their minds should be engaged in imaginative play, their hands should be busy with work and play as well, and it should all be balanced with rest for both their minds and bodies. But I do not believe work should be a shock to their systems when they turn 18 or when they get married. They should be well accustomed by the time they are training the next generation how to work.
Do your kids do chores? Which ones and at what ages?
May 17th, 2011 
This week, Kathi, Kristin, and I are talking about how we cope with our husband’s working long hours. Let me say up front in the interest of honesty, Matt rarely works late or long. He rarely takes business trips. We’re very blessed that way.
Once upon a time Matt worked nights. He left the house just before 4pm and arrived back home just after 7:30am the next morning. I had a just under 2 year old and a newborn. We made it, but barely. We decided we would not continue on that way (because.I.went.cuh.razy) and we would do what it took for him to be home and awake during the kids’ awake hours. But changes don’t stay. And those changes turned into more changes for us.
As time has gone on and we’ve grown, we’ve relaxed our “you must be home all the time” standards. He does what he needs to do. He works late occasionally (such as this very evening, I don’t know that the kids will see him before they drift off to sleep) and that week last fall when he took a business trip to Chicago. Remember that time? The one that I walked proudly ahead right off my sanity plank.
With the more advanced age (and possibly a tad bit more wisdom) I’ve learned a couple of things.
Like, making it through extra hours is just not a day at the park. Pray ahead of time. Expect it to be crazy. Hold on tight. Try to keep a smile.
Pick yourself up and extend grace to yourself when you’ve fallen down and yelled. Again. And again. And sadly, again.
Expect the children to show all the stress you’re feeling. Know that through the day there will be flying high times that you think, “I got this!” and they will be followed by “What on earth am I doing and why are they all crying again?” But then, know that you can ride out those moments of screaming (just keep breathing) and the screaming will settle and you’ll be back to calm. Your day will run in cycles. Remind yourself of this through the day.
Know that other moms are not sailing through their husbands’ late nights with ease. Know that you are not alone. Know that this really is hard.
Know that it is a season (even if he will be working in that job for years on end, the actual night of chaos is a small season in itself). Look at it as a passing moment. Lean on others. There are other moms who deal with this. Call them in the midst of the screaming masses. More than likely they’ll be used to talking over screamers. And they’ll know how badly you need to tune out the 2 millionth fit of the day.
And, please, know I have no idea what I’m talking about. Ever. I just stumble along, fumble through, and try to learn a little something to make it a bit easier the next time. The main thing for me to remember is that living without Matt even for a few short hours (however long they may seem) is that he is my other half. He is not someone I just like to have around. He is essential. As essential as the air I breathe. And without him I’m going to flounder around on the bank of the river I’m used to floating down. I’m going to miss him. I’m going to need him. And without him I’m half a person. I will be expected to go through my day reaching for children with one arm, hobbling through with one leg, looking to the hour he walks in with one eye. Knowing that, I can try to adjust, but really I’m going to have to lean completely on Jesus to pull me through the day. And then pick me up when I fall. Because I just don’t have this one figured out yet.
*******
Just when we think we have our schedule figured out, we switch it on you! Kristin’s hosting the link-up again this week so that I can host the Beginning Homeschooling post on June 7th.
So…tell us. How do you cope (or not!) when your husband has to work late? Visit the other Tri-Moms, Kathi and Kristin, to find out how they make it through those long days. Let’s all encourage each other. Discuss it in the comments or write your own post and go link it up at Kristin’s blog. (Take a minute to grab the Tri-Moms button located on my sidebar and spread the word, we could all use a little encouragement.)
Coming Soon on Tri-Moms:
June 7: Beginning Homeschooling
June 21: Routine
July 5: Bulk Shopping
July 19: Worshiping At Home
May 11th, 2011 Did you know…
I’m still having blog problems. I’m truly considering rebuilding the whole thing from the ground up and getting a refund from my host. I’m that frustrated.
Did you know…
I never go into my kids’ rooms until bedtime. And nearly every night I walk in there to tuck them in I want to scream about the condition of their rooms. I vow they will clean them the next day and then we get busy again and I forget. And then I go to tuck them in at bedtime and I try to not scream about the condition of their rooms. Nearly every night.
Did you know…
Yesterday my kids had 2 baths. And neither time did I actually wash them.
Did you know…
I’m still dieting. I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for the first time in weeks yesterday. I also hit a 128 pound plateau for nearly a week. Frustrating. But today, I broke on through to 127. I rejoiced.
Did you know…
That is my neutral look. I’m not even angry or frustrated in this picture. I’ve been working on my countenance since I started following Christ. That was 17 years ago. I’m gonna have the wrong kind of lines and be a crodgity old woman. Shoots. A crodgity old woman who cusses. It’s not good.
Did you know…
Yesterday while we were hanging out at my parents-in-law’s house and Matt was picking on me, my mother-in-law said, “Instead of talking about how you yell, you should talk about WHY you yell.” While laughing and pointing to her son, who just happens to be my husband.
Did you know…
Matt and I celebrated our 12th anniversary on Mother’s Day. We got married that weekend because we had scheduled our wedding to be a traditional June one. And then we moved it up a week. And we moved it up a week more. And then we just kept moving it up because we couldn’t wait to get married any longer. There’s a whole “we only dated/were engaged for 4 months before getting married” story I should tell sometime.
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