Yes, we are!!

We are…

Pregnant.

Expecting.

Overjoyed.

Scared.

Undeserving.

Worried.

Over the moon.

We have shared moments like these with you before.  A couple of times now.

And each time it has been the same.

So very full of emotion and desire and love!

Let the Joyful Chaos of the Parker family continue!

For we really are so very…

I’ve always identified with Katie Kaboom (I feel as though I should tell you I don’t let my littlest ones watch this, so you might want to get your laughs at me when they are not looking over your shoulder).  Except for me it wasn’t a passing phase like the Ice Age.  I still have a ridiculously short fuse and now instead of my parents getting the brunt of my stupidity it’s my kids.  Oh, my weak repetitive sinning flesh.  I mean really, could I please stop the yelling and getting angry over petty stuff, like poopy covered Obi Wans?  Could I please stop the cycle with me?  Could I once and for all act a little more like the Spirit within me?  Please?  It’s not for a lack of trying.  It’s not for a lack of praying and asking.  It’s not for a lack of studying.

Some people don’t struggle with anger management (wow, I stand in awe of you) though they have different struggles.  But if you’re like me, if you get mad, snap at those you love, and immediately regret it… If you are like me and spend more time asking forgiveness and apologizing than teaching to the original issue that got you upset in the first place, then we can do several things about it.

First of all, you have to find forgiveness.  Really.  You have to confess it as sin to God, you have to confess it as sin to your kiddos, and you have to ask them for forgiveness.  Now here’s the hard part for me.. you then have to accept their forgiveness.  If you stay stuck in what you did you cannot move forward.  You cannot teach His goodness and love and forgiveness if you cannot absorb it yourself.  He has washed away your ugliness and yelling and sin completely, He has forgotten it.  Yes, every.single.time.  Have you?

The next step is to prepare yourself for the battle that will come your way the next time.  Because if you struggle with any constant sin (and you do, you know) there will be a next time.  You must be prepared.  Have a plan.  One of the things I’ve noticed I end up yelling about is when one of my children talks back.  They really, really struggle with not arguing and talking back and having the last say.  And I’ve noticed that when I don’t have a response or discipline at the ready in my mind that my go-to response is yelling.  I feel out of control and that’s how I respond.  I’m not proud, I’m just saying this is what I’ve analyzed in me.

There are also other things that have helped some along the way.  Read most of James if you want a bit of conviction.  (I like looking up verses and key words at Bible Gateway) Look up being slow to anger, kindness, gentleness, wrath.  And then search deeper.  Why are you blowing up?  For me, it’s a lack of self-control.  Look up that key word.  Then the verses that really stand out to you, the ones you think “ouch”, write them somewhere.  On a chalkboard, paint them on a wall, get a notebook, sticky pad, but most importantly write them on your heart.  Say them all the time, pray them over yourself, ask God to make you more like Him.

I have to admit I’ve done all these things for years.  Years.  And yet, daily I fight with myself.  Daily, hourly.  I long to shed this thorn.  I long to put on a new robe.   A clean one.  One that I haven’t tarnished time and again.  I long to not feel so much like that Obi Wan, pre-poopy cleaning, you know?  I long for a good final once and for all scrubbing.  I long for the rough edges to be worn off of me.  I think, maybe, it’s happening some.  I think, maybe, I’m closer than I was 10 years ago.  But I’m still awful.  Through that awfulness I have to still remember also that I’m still redeemed, I’m still loved while yet that screamer/sinner that I am.

I know I could’ve nursed him longer.  I didn’t have a number or deadline in my head.  I never do.  But I just felt like it was time.  Yes, it was the all night nursing sessions, the bazillionth case of mastitis, the accidental bite that left me frantically searching for Lansinoh lanolin.  Yes, it was all of those, yet none of it.  I just knew it was time.  I was ready to move on.  But again, letting go, even when you’re super ready to move on, just isn’t easy.

Here’s a pic I snapped with my phone of one of the last times to nurse the Baby

For those of you wanting the details.. it has been a long drawn out process.  I slowly worked him down to 2 or 3 nursings a day.  And then I just didn’t nurse him anymore.  I just told him we weren’t going to do that anymore.  He would ask all the time “I wanna nurse, Mama.”  It would vary how gently or how loud and demandingly he asked depending on the moment.  But he asked all day and night.  He would accept food and “coco” (what my kids call chocolate milk) eventually in lieu of nursing.  I cried in private.  I have tried to not cry while he was asking or in front of him.  There was that one time that he fell and bumped his head and I cuddled him and he begged through tears to nurse and I cried right along with him while declining his request.

My milk continued to come in several times a day until just the other day.  And even that milestone made me cry.  The day I realized it hadn’t come in all day long I teared up.  I’m not good at long goodbyes.  I like clean cut “It’s all over” goodbyes.  Not long drawn out, relive the letting go goodbyes.  And weaning, generally, is a gradual goodbye.  After about a week and a half of not nursing any I got very sore and began to feel the pre-mastitis fever-y I don’t feel right feeling.  I wondered if it was even possible to get mastitis a week after weaning, but yes, you can.  Thankfully, I didn’t get it.  I did all the things I had done before with mastitis (massage, hot showers, ibuprofen, lots of fluids and more rest) just leaving out the excessive nursing part (which also stressed me out and made me sad).  Now, though I’m still feeling a little tender, the pain and fear of infection is mostly gone.

The weaning is mostly complete.

Except I’m still sad.

And he’s still asking.

I have this theory.

Matt and I have talked about it before.  After spending so much time discussing what on earth is wrong with girls that they would be so smitten with these boys that are so wrong for them, I’ve come to this conclusion.

It has to do with The Fall and God’s original plan for our marriages.  It’s a reach, but it resonates with me, so hang in there, ‘k?

God intended for men to be the head of the household.  To lead us, guide us, to protect us.  We are naturally drawn to that.

We like a leader.  Someone to be bold, to make decisions.  We like a go-getter.

(I never claimed to be politically correct, so if you feel as though you’re getting your ire up at me right now, you might want to move onto another blog, I’m not the one for you.)

I think there’s a lot that goes into that moment in the garden.  I think that one of those noteworthy things is that the serpent wooed Eve.  He did not target Adam originally.  Where was Adam’s leadership, his protection?  How would Eve have felt had he spoken up, stepped forward, been bold, told the serpent to head out?  I can guess.  She would’ve swooned.

When you’re looking forward to a night out with your hubby do you want to be the one who makes all the detailed plans?  Or do you feel more pampered when he says, “Oh, I’ve made the plans, it’s all a surprise, just be ready by 6pm and I’ll take care of the rest”?

We want a man to be in charge.  To be dependable.  To be wild and fierce.  But we don’t see that in a lot of men.  Especially in good guys.  Good guys tend to be soft spoken, go with flow, wishy-washy, if you will.

But now, picture your “bad guy”.  He’s cool.  He’s confident.  He’s in control.  (along with all the other characteristics that are not so charming)  But I believe that girls are drawn to a boy who embodies that leadership role.  And it stands out the most in bad boys who tend to flaunt that attribute.

So, what do we do with this?  We teach our girls to look for those leadership qualities that we are naturally drawn to, in boys that are godly.  We teach them how to recognize true leadership versus that “bad boy” appeal.  And we teach our boys how to be true leaders.  Leaders who will guide their families in love.  Leaders who will be bold when the moment calls for it.  Leaders who will listen to their families and pray their way through each day.

We teach awareness.

I tried to think of cute or witty things to tell you, but really I have a stinky rotten attitude today.  The only cute thing I have to offer today are these pics of Baby and the fact that he would scale the Eiffel Tower given the chance but is terrified of the pool, the downtown fountains, the sprinklers, and all other water except the bath.

My kids are watching the movie Up.  I hate it.  It makes me cry and it feels like it goes on forever.

I have hemorrhoids.  The likes of which I haven’t had since I last had a baby.  I can’t walk.  I can’t stand up.  I cry a lot.  It makes me snappy at the kids.  Yes, you came here to read about ‘rrhoids.  You’re welcome.

Seems like every time I talk trash about not worrying about money and/or wanting more kids then the money situation blows smooth up in my face and I see harder times than I’ve seen in a while.  It makes it hard not to have a superstitious religion.

I know the whole, if you have nothing nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all deal, but really I just felt like crying on your shoulder.