November 29th, 2011 
I’m thankful for that little bunch up there.
My girl got sick the other night after a week and a half of health, and presented symptoms of a fever over 103, a spreading rash, headache, a little vomiting, and then during children’s church choir (yes, we took her because she had been feeling a bit better in the afternoon)… the back of her neck started really hurting. We knew the stiff, sore neck was a cause for concern. After looking at Dr. Sears’ site and realizing the doctor we turn to who is usually so laid back about rashes and fevers and viruses was very insistent that the sore neck with any of the other symptoms was cause to go to the doctor immediately. No waiting for morning, no call to your doc, just go. We then called a nurse practioner friend of ours (who happens to be a mom as well) and she confirmed our concerns, that yes, she would go to the ER on a Sunday night with her own child if they had those symptoms. In addition to mostly being a doctor avoider anyway we were further concerned because we knew that if the hospital thought it might be meningitis the next step in diagnosing such a scary illness would be a spinal tap, followed by 14 days in the hospital hooked to an IV. And that’s the best case scenario. The only reassurance to that was that they would probably put her to sleep for the spinal tap and that if it were meningitis that we have hospitals that can help treat such horrific illnesses. On the way to the ER we quickly discussed who would stay with the other 4 children, what to ask the doctors, and prayed like crazy.
When you think that your world might be changing, that what you think will always be, might not, you look at your world differently. You kiss her head a little more gently. You play with her hair more, you have a hope deeper than you normally tap into. You find thankfulness in places that are unexpected.
We had given her ibuprofen just before going to the hospital for her rising fever and that relief was starting to show by the time we got there. I was thankful. The ER ushered us through the channels quickly. I was thankful. The hospital staff was kind, caring, attentive, efficient, and they listened to me. They were not condescending. When I told them we don’t just run to the doctor, much less the ER very often they took note. I was thankful. When they saw that I was texting with Matt to find out what questions to ask next, to keep him updated, and to determine our next steps they didn’t scold me for my use of my cell, they offered to wait on decision making until Matt and I could discuss it via the phone. I was thankful. When they said they thought it was definitely NOT meningitis (due to her perkiness and tap dancing in the ER room, no kidding) but that they wanted to swab for strep throat they offered her a popsicle for her throat swabbing bravery. It made her smile. I was thankful. When the cartoons went off on the hospital tv, I flipped channels for something kid appropriate and she yelled and cheered when I came across a football game “I wanna watch what Daddy’s watching at home right now!!” And I was thankful. When the tech came back with a negative test result and discharge papers I still had concerns and questions and she, without hesitation offered to bring the doctor back in to “reassure” me. I was thankful. When the doctor came back within 5 minutes and did in fact reassure me I was thankful again. When both of my sisters called to check on my girl and offer me any help needed while I was still in the hospital with her I was thankful. When Matt said the screaming stressed, missing mama, kiddos had somewhat settled down to an occasional cry after the first hour of yelling I was thankful.
When I got back into the van with my whole little family within a few hours’ time and a fairly clean bill of health with only an “It’s a virus” diagnosis and it was just before bedtime still, I was thankful. When the hospital called back the next day and told me that the culture confirmed strep and that she would need a round of antibiotics, I rejoiced. Because strep, that I can handle.
I’m thankful for perspective.
I’m thankful for friends who pray.
I’m thankful for answered prayers and health.
I’m thankful for my girl.
November 25th, 2011 Today, this day after Thanksgiving I’m thankful for their little clipped wings and their practiced flying.
It’s a purposeful thankfulness. I will embrace their little annoyances, their little interruptions, their little chatterings, and squabbles.
Because I know all too soon they will fly away. And I will want it all back.
 Today.. I am thankful.
November 11th, 2011 Of course, Matt The Hero, figured out how to get my computer kind of working part of the time! He found out if you bend the bent plug just right and force it into the computer and twist it just so then it will charge! So I thought I would give you a quick update. No soapboxes, no theme, no pictures, no great ideas. (If you’re not the grandparents or my St. Louis bestie feel released from having to sit through this)
We’re still battling the sickness. The 2 oldest are fever free for days now (and completely strep negative), but their sore throats and coughing is hanging on like a beast. The 3 youngers are still feverin’ and sore throatin’ and on the beginning edge of coughing. Matt and I are still mostly not sick, but my throat has become increasing sore and I just don’t feel good today.
But with all this sickness talk did I tell you about the praises in the midst? We went insurance free for the 2 months of transition from the old job to the new. We were still in the COBRA grace period and could pick up the transitional coverage at any time something went terribly wrong, but for all of us it would’ve been $3200 for 2 months worth of coverage. So we took our chance s and went coverage free. We prayed. We had one pre-November 1st scare when BigMan showed early signs of a possible UTI, but we pushed all kinds of fluids especially cranberry blends and he came through with no issues! Whew! But then about November 3 or 4th this sickness hit. We had made it to November first! With no pregnancies, no fevers, no E.R. trips! We still run off to the doc when we first started getting sick (that’s just not our M.O.) rather we waited, rested, fluided, and watched. However, 4 days into the fever with no signs of getting better and more kids getting sick by the day we decided to go to one of those weekend clinics and get a strep swab. More prayer. We didn’t have much cash on hand for that. Especially if 3-5 kids had to be seen, then swabbed, then treated with antibiotics. We prayed some more. We had however just bought an infrared heater for the house (have I kept you up to date on all that praise too? I’ll fill you in in a sec!) I called the clinic and asked about how much cash I would need up front. We had discussed if it came down to it we could return the newly bought infrared heater to afford all the appointments and medication and we would just tough it out in the cold snap that was coming this week. Come to find out they take our new insurance! And our new insurance currently doesn’t have a copay! So we took TheMiddlest (since he had been the sickest the longest) into the clinic (with the other 2 little sicklies waiting in the van with Matt to see the doc if need be). The swabbed him and it was not strep (no needed antiobiotics – woohoo! and no need for the other 2 to be seen – woo hoo!) We were keeping the heater! And we took our cash and bought Tylenol, Ibuprofen, cough syrup, peppermints, and popsicles (and rented a few movies!) for little sicklies. SOOOO thankful!
Onto that heater… I have mentioned here we don’t have heat in the new city house, right? We knew this up front, we’re renting to own, we made the agreement to handle it. It’s crunch time, the other house hasn’t sold (that story and praise forthcoming!), and it’s getting cold. So we bought a couple of small heaters as we could afford them. One of them is an infrared heater. So far we’re pleased with it. It really does heat an amazing amount of the house, it’s safe around the kiddos, and we’re please so far! But it’s not a long term solution. We had an estimate given to us about replacing the 2 ton heater/air condition that is attached to the house and they gave us a $5,000-$9,000 estimate (the upper end is to replace the duct work too). Ohmyword. It was at that point that we bought the infrared. But then by crazy God circumstances that we were able to purchase (completely above board) a 2 ton air conditioning unit from an unused FEMA trailer from Katrina. For only a few hundred dollars. It’s only an air conditioner though, so we’re looking to buy an indoor electric furnace to use with it for the heat. As we can afford it, but y’all, oh, the praises for that!!!!
So, the other house… We took that last offer sight unseen and it began to be a huge financial burden on us but we trusted through it. Through circumstances that are fixable, but out of our control that potential buyer backed out of the contract. And though it sometimes felt up and down I believe it was God’s way of getting us out of a not great situation. Following that we had a full month of no one even looking at our house. During the 2 months of moving we had other financial crunches (a tire blow out – needing 2 new tires, the heater situation, past medical debt that had to be handled NOW) and we were unable to pay our old mortgage for 2 months. We called a financial counselor, stayed on the phone for THREE hours and were told that we indeed live within our means in every.single.category except having 2 house payments and 2 utilities all the money that flows into trying to sell a house. So we tried for a deed in lieu (or cash for keys if you will) but Midland Mortgage (that’s right I’m calling them out) refused to do that. They told us we had to short sale or foreclose. (all this while the federal government is debating more bailouts for companies like Midland – they fall under the umbrella with Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, by the way, argh.) So, we looked into short selling, acquiring paperwork, but still praying for a miracle. Then the realtor called and showed the house twice in 3 days. Both were interested. One is making an offer this morning in a few short hours (pray with us some more?!)
So, all of this. All of this uncomfortableness in the midst of the outpouring of blessings on us. On one of my lesser trusting and thankful days one of my best friends read to me a devotional and verse. It has blessed my heart for weeks.
1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 3 Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3
And particularly did you see it? The part that knocked me over? I want this race over quickly. I want all these issues resolved NOW. Yet, maybe my story is in the refining, the process, the playing this out on the stage in front of you. It’s the perseverance.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
May I do just that. May I keep on keeping on. May I continue to do it in front of you. And may I do it with all grace and joy.
November 4th, 2011 I’ve had another couple of hard days of controlling my temper and my tongue. I seriously cussed twice while yelling the other day when my 2 year old dropped Obi Wan into the poopy potty and I had to pull him out and wash him off. I mean, really? Like I haven’t had similar scenarios for years now. A little poopy cleaning never hurt me.
I’ve always identified with Katie Kaboom (I feel as though I should tell you I don’t let my littlest ones watch this, so you might want to get your laughs at me when they are not looking over your shoulder). Except for me it wasn’t a passing phase like the Ice Age. I still have a ridiculously short fuse and now instead of my parents getting the brunt of my stupidity it’s my kids. Oh, my weak repetitive sinning flesh. I mean really, could I please stop the yelling and getting angry over petty stuff, like poopy covered Obi Wans? Could I please stop the cycle with me? Could I once and for all act a little more like the Spirit within me? Please? It’s not for a lack of trying. It’s not for a lack of praying and asking. It’s not for a lack of studying.
Some people don’t struggle with anger management (wow, I stand in awe of you) though they have different struggles. But if you’re like me, if you get mad, snap at those you love, and immediately regret it… If you are like me and spend more time asking forgiveness and apologizing than teaching to the original issue that got you upset in the first place, then we can do several things about it.
First of all, you have to find forgiveness. Really. You have to confess it as sin to God, you have to confess it as sin to your kiddos, and you have to ask them for forgiveness. Now here’s the hard part for me.. you then have to accept their forgiveness. If you stay stuck in what you did you cannot move forward. You cannot teach His goodness and love and forgiveness if you cannot absorb it yourself. He has washed away your ugliness and yelling and sin completely, He has forgotten it. Yes, every.single.time. Have you?
The next step is to prepare yourself for the battle that will come your way the next time. Because if you struggle with any constant sin (and you do, you know) there will be a next time. You must be prepared. Have a plan. One of the things I’ve noticed I end up yelling about is when one of my children talks back. They really, really struggle with not arguing and talking back and having the last say. And I’ve noticed that when I don’t have a response or discipline at the ready in my mind that my go-to response is yelling. I feel out of control and that’s how I respond. I’m not proud, I’m just saying this is what I’ve analyzed in me.
There are also other things that have helped some along the way. Read most of James if you want a bit of conviction. (I like looking up verses and key words at Bible Gateway) Look up being slow to anger, kindness, gentleness, wrath. And then search deeper. Why are you blowing up? For me, it’s a lack of self-control. Look up that key word. Then the verses that really stand out to you, the ones you think “ouch”, write them somewhere. On a chalkboard, paint them on a wall, get a notebook, sticky pad, but most importantly write them on your heart. Say them all the time, pray them over yourself, ask God to make you more like Him.
I have to admit I’ve done all these things for years. Years. And yet, daily I fight with myself. Daily, hourly. I long to shed this thorn. I long to put on a new robe. A clean one. One that I haven’t tarnished time and again. I long to not feel so much like that Obi Wan, pre-poopy cleaning, you know? I long for a good final once and for all scrubbing. I long for the rough edges to be worn off of me. I think, maybe, it’s happening some. I think, maybe, I’m closer than I was 10 years ago. But I’m still awful. Through that awfulness I have to still remember also that I’m still redeemed, I’m still loved while yet that screamer/sinner that I am.
October 27th, 2011 Okay, I’m gonna step on some toes again. It’s time. Breathe.
I’m all about the Truth. The key is to do it in love, right?
I have this gnawing on my soul for a while now. I’ve been pushing it down, but it’s growing. I have to get it out.
I’ve talked about it before. I alluded to it once. And then openly talked about it again. But I feel like I need to talk about it once more.
I have mostly avoided the abortion talk not because I don’t want to ruffle feathers, but because I have close friends who have walked down that lonely, scary path of having lost a child by their own hands and I haven’t wanted to add to their pain. I saw it as already done, what can be done further, you know? I don’t want to discourage or inflict further pain in an already painful situation, you know? And I didn’t figure talking about it with non-Christ-followers would really change anyone’s mind, that it would just pick fights, so once again, I just didn’t talk about it as much as I thought about it. I don’t like “issues” or “soap boxes”, I believe more in living what you believe not shoving it down everyone’s throat all the time. But those are lies. And I bought them. And I might still stay quiet if Matt and I hadn’t had a discussion about this again the other night.
Because the people I want to talk to today is the Church. Not a local building. But rather, Jesus Christ’s world wide believers. Those who profess Him with their mouths. Those who say that He is their Lord and Savior. The Body of Christ. You. I’m talking to you. You believe in being pro-life, right? You even listen to the policy makers, pray for change, and donate to the Crisis Centers when it comes to your attention. But for the most part you are asleep. You are. I was. But here’s your wake up call, ‘k?
I saw the other day one of those “shocking” stats on Facebook. It went something like this “3000 – the number of Americans killed by terrorists since 1990, 4000 – the number of Americans killed by abortionists since yesterday.” I was shocked. I knew it was high, but had no idea. I asked Matt if that number was accurate. He said, yeah, pretty much so. Seriously? Did you know that? If you did, then why in the hell is it not stirring you to action?! It did me. Matt and I went on to discuss the fact that this, this is an all-out genocide. He went on to say that of all the things that the believers of this current day will have to stand before the Judgment Seat and answer for this, THIS will be it. How have we turned our heads repeatedly in “Oh, it’s terrible, something should be done, gosh, but what?” And then shuffle off to help with Sunday School, Teen Extreme, the youth ski trip, and dinner for the next potluck.
You know what else floored me, that I thought maybe, might help wake you to the horrors that we live with daily? This picture.
 (original source is linked through the picture, yet another pic going around Facebook)
Seriously? 10%? 90% of Down’s babies are slaughtered? NINETY percent? How is this possible? As Matt said can you imagine growing up with Down Syndrome and looking around and knowing that a massive amount of the population that you fit into has been wiped out? Legally? How are we any different from the Nazi Aryans? Yes, I said that. And I meant it. How are we allowing people to just be wiped out?
Further, yes, I believe blanketly every.single.case of abortion is wrong. Rape? Yep. Incest? Yes. Fear of death/health of the mother or child in question? Yes.
Here’s why. Because you are believing the lies.
The first lie is that pregnancy under any circumstances could be a horrible mistake. You have allowed others to tell you (and then yourself to buy it) that a surprise pregnancy is akin to some sort of accidental death. Some horrific accident. It’s like you’re believing that by getting pregnant you have been driving down your happy lane of life and then you accidentally hit and ran over and killed a child playing in the road. You are believing a lie that bearing a child, under any and every circumstance, is that awful.
Then you are buying a second awful lie. That you have a choice. That as you look at this dying bloody mass in the road (that was once your happy go lucky life) that you can make it all disappear. That you can look away and it won’t be there anymore. That, instead of facing the horrific situation at hand (that really is just a lie) and facing the police, the funeral, the parents, the counseling that should follow, that you can drag that child into a side alley and bury it. That you can hide it. That you can do it in the dark, in secret, and that your life will never be the worse for what you’ve done. Bury it, hide it, walk away. It’s your choice and you don’t ever have to deal with it again. It’s as if it never happened.
Bullsh$@. So, you’ve bought the first lie that a baby is as devastating as an accidental death. Then you buy the next lie that you can make it all just go away. Then you buy the lie that it will all be okay. I call bullsh$@.
You can not wipe away from your life your memories; such a secret. You are living in the dark. You will be eaten alive by such a secret. Just as if you buried someone you killed in your backyard. It will eat you alive.
And further, as the church if we don’t gather in and support in every.single.way possible those who are on the beginning edge of these lies (the young girl who has just found out she is pregnant and is actually devastated by such news, instead of rejoicing) then we are sickeningly tying millstones to our necks. I call you, Church, to step out. Be different. Change. Be in the Light. If you know of those who have had abortions, go love them. Today. Hug them, tell them there is forgiveness. Because there is. They can live freely again. If you know of someone who has just found out about their unplanned pregnancy – shout joyously with them! Let them see how it can be to have a child. They.are.not.a.burden. Offer your home as a place for adoption if they can’t/won’t keep the baby. Get involved with those who are already trying to make a difference. Pray. Pray some more. Ask for your eyes to be opened. Ask for your heart to be softened. Vote for those who can make the legal change to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Above all WAKE THE (bleeeeep!) UP!!!
Quit living in the dark.
Quit sleeping.
Quit pretending it’s someone else’s problem.
Quit pretending to be the Church and get your act together.
Quit buying the lies.
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