Though I’m a little too quiet here on the blog lately, life is still really loud and really happening here. And sometimes I capture it. Most of the time on my cell. Here’s a quick wrap up.
I took a picture of my 9 weeks along belly last week. Because it’s for reals out there.
I’m still loving the city. The other day TheOldest and TheMiddlest had dental appointments and it was a beautiful golden day.
Only one small cavity between the two boys, in case you were wondering. Better than last time.
And this is another view that I see often. I adore the hills at sunset.
We got sick. Again. This time with croupy coughs and a little bit of fevers. BigMan took it the hardest again.
It was my first time to try elderberry syrup for their coughs at night and it worked wonders.
We had friends come into town that we haven’t seen in a while and we played with them.
We finally started guitar lessons with TheOldest. We’re using dvds called Learn and Master Guitar with Steve Krenz. He’s loving it so far.
Then while I napped on Saturday Matt cleaned out the van like it’s never been cleaned before. The kids asked if we were selling it! Haha! Not quite yet! Though there will come the time that we will have to do something since we’ll be outgrowing the blue van come September.
I should be grocery shopping this morning but I didn’t get much sleep with croupy littles so I’m thinking of delaying it. At least until after naptime. And that’s about it. What did your week look like?
Alternately, and much more palatably, titled “Love is not that hard.”
I just finished watching Eat Pray Love. It’s been more than a month long attempt. I like to watch my chick flicks alone (I adore Matt, but he tends to make fun of my shows at the most inopportune times), so I’ve watched a bit here and a bit there.
And every time I have paused it for another night I’ve reflected on the part I’ve just watched. Each time I have inevitably thought, “Bullsh&t.” (I’m a cusser, you knew that.) And when Matt would ask me how I’m enjoying my movie I would tell him that. He would laugh and say, “That’s not very nice.” But it’s true.
Here’s the deal.
I remember being much like the main character. Obviously not the divorced part, but the “lost in the world, guilt-ridden, how do I find myself, and what’s it all about” part.
There are a couple of things I’ve learned along the way. (and yes, I’m fully aware I have so, so much more to learn, as you older wiser women are smiling now at my naivete.) But here’s the main thing I’ve learned about love. There’s not some magical mystical just right one person out there that you must find. There is definitely a moment that you are a swooning, head over heels girl and you begin to contemplate forever. If you have a guy that is grounded, treats you right, and loves you above all else except his God, if he would lay down his life for you, then he is the one. Marry him. If he can’t live without you and you likewise, marry him. Now, here’s the catch. You don’t get to unmarry him. Ever. Here’s where I call bullsh&t on most of the modern day romances. You commit. You make up your mind that he is indeed the love of your life and that there is no other for you. Even when you wonder who you were when you married this man that you now do not know who he is. You remind yourself that he is your one. You don’t get to consider anything else. Ever. Because it’s not about whether you married the “right” man or not. The man you are married to is the “right” man. Period. There’s no amount of “finding yourself” that’s going to fix fickleness. Commit. And the emotions will follow. Love, and marriage forever, are not that complicated. Now I know, as I said before, that I’m a mere 34 years old and that I have only been married for a mere 12 years, but in this time I have realized that the complication comes between you, your God, and your heart. You decide. And you follow through. It really is that easy. Even when it’s hard (and it will be. Period.), it’s that easy.
Second of all, I watched these characters (which yes, I am also aware are fictional, but I believe this movie and it’s popularity is a commentary on our times) struggle with forgiveness. And I was, in the beginning, tempted to call bullsh&t on it too. But then I was struck with their sadness. The line “oceans of regrets” got me. It brought back to me my own sadness, aloneness, forsakenness from years ago. It is the only reason I try to tell people about my God, my Savior, my Forgive-er. Because I remember. Those oceans will swallow you whole. They will take you under. The waves of your past sins and regrets will beat upon your being until you have been worn away, and you have a very good reason to try to find yourself. But you have to know, you must know, that it’s true, those oceans, those regrets, your past, the “god is in you, and is you” is all bullsh&t. Everything you cling to, try for, struggle through is bullsh&t without the only one who can truly erase the regrets from your life. It’s all pointless without Him.
9 “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.10 If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father’s commands and remain in his love.11 I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.12My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.13 Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.14 You are my friends if you do what I command.15 I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.17This is my command: Love each other. John 15:9-17 (emphasis mine)
That’s the secret. The secret mysterious key to love and life. Everything else is just bullsh&t.
This is my window sill over my new sink. Which is beside my new dishwasher. I love both of those new things. The white shiny sink makes me clean it so much more. Because it looks.. clean. I love that my husband buys me flowers. For no particular reason other than he knows that I love them. I love the cheapy apple spice candle that was on sale after Christmas for $2.50. I love the little winter snowmen that we’ve had since the second winter we spent together. My parents gave it to me and it makes me smile. It’s seen us through some cold winters. I love, love, love my lego sculpture that My Middlest made for me for a Christmas present. Can you see the 2 hearts? The red one is me and blue one is him. Do you also see the “I {heart} U” ? I love that he made it and spent so much time designing it for me. I love the sunshine coming in through the window in the sunroom. (I’m not so fond of how desperately dirty my 2 windows are, but whatever)
I love the saying that is behind the lego sculpture. Here’s a close up of it:
It came in my little $4.00 calendar I got just after Christmas. I love that my kids now know most of those references from first-hand reading of the Bible this last year. (Which by the way, I think I need my own teacher’s guide to Isaiah, whew.)
I love our Rod and Staff Language Arts.
In this lesson they were to tell about each picture. They’re studying pronouns. Not only do I like that these kinds of pictures are included in the lessons, I also like seeing my children’s interpretations of them. Because I think I would’ve said “She is praying.” But My Middlest put it this way:
And though both are accurate, his is so much more personal. Oh, love.
I love that your words were so encouraging to just keep writing. I don’t know why this is such a struggle right now. I read back through some of my old writing and I think, “Wow, did I write that? Who is that person? And where is she now?” I keep thinking it’s that I don’t have as much time as I used to (or at least don’t carve it out right now), that I’m interrupted more, that I don’t have a computer desk where the kids can’t literally crawl all over the top of me, that I haven’t been taking as many pictures of the kids (and we know how visual I am), that I haven’t been getting the camera out as much because it’s difficult, it’s winter, it’s…. I don’t know. It all seems so hard right now. But I do miss writing. I miss capturing life through my camera. I miss connecting with y’all. I must work harder. But see, even as I try to write this morning there have been 500 interruptions, lots of fighting, a peeing on the table, and I’ve yelled twice. This is why. It doesn’t seem worth it compared to being engaged and not being perturbed that they’re bugging me while I’m writing.
Speaking of being bugged.. I’m sick. I have a cold. Two weeks ago I started out with a head cold, it has moved into my chest and I’m just totally sick of it now. I can’t breathe, I cough nonstop, and sleeping is evasive. It makes me cranky. Chamomile Lemon Tea with honey has been a good friend this go ’round.
I’m 6 weeks along now. And just this week I have begun to have morning sickness. Which is good. I always worry until I feel that. I’m a worrier. And so far the sickness has been mild and livable. I had a meeting with my midwife and I’m super excited. I need to go write that whole post separately – y’all’ve had lots of questions (I did too!) and I want to address them.
My family drama is settling, but it has stirred a lot of inner thoughts and emotions in me that I’m working through. Big stuff.
A friend of mine is doing Learning Adventures next year with 2 of her boys and I’m loving the look of it. She has done it before with her older two and I’m seriously considering dumping what we’re doing (at least for a year) and doing this alongside her. If I buy the first volume, the student pack, the game, and the supplemental younger pack (one at a time), it isn’t too pricey to teach everything except math to all of them – and I am planning on incorporating the soon to be 6th grader, 4th grader, 2nd grader, and Kindergartener into this (we’ll stick with Math-U-See, another thing I love) and I’ll teach phonics to BigMan, who will be in Kindergarten next year using Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons and Hooked on Phonics. I’ve really been thinking I wanted a unit study again. As much as I’ve loved all the independent work this year, I miss being with them more, learning with them, directing fun stuff. It’s time. And this looks perfect. Still thinking and praying on it, but I’m really excited about it.
So once again. Random. But an inviting in. Oh, and I was thinking. Maybe it would help my writing if you asked questions and I answered them. Like I’ve done before. Up for that? You can email me or comment and I’ll address your questions, anonymously if you’d like.
You are. Even today. Even in what you’ve done and are currently doing. In your anger, despair, ugliness. You are pursued. Just say okay. Just give up. Just be embraced. Today.
I’m here. And as usual my silence here is not a lack of words, it’s the jumbled up clogging because there are too many words. And though I have a few topical specific posts floating around in my head, I feel the need to just ramble in and let you know what’s going on. Like back in 7th grade when my G.T. teacher would make us free write for what seemed like forever. She was right, it does open the doors to just flowing writing.
Though I have enjoyed the scaling back of my site (fewer ads, no reviews, no money generated) I miss the moving forward of my blog. It feels kinda stagnant to me. I realize this is a season and I’ll sit here until I feel really encouraged and pushed to become really proactive with it again, but I miss it.
But my lessened writing leaves me feeling like “why write?” and makes me feel like “what message do I have that others aren’t already writing?” But I know those are just doubts and lies. Because I know what I tell someone else if they were to say that to me. I would tell them the world needs their voice. That what they have to say unique and important. And so I know it applies to me too. And so, I will continue to write even when it doesn’t flow, even when it’s not on topic, and even if not one of you decides to keep reading. I will keep trying.
In other news, I have spoken with my midwife (who happens to be a good friend! *squeee!*) and I’m beginning the beginning process of this new different adventure. I’m really excited about it.
I’m still exceptionally tired and that’s mainly the only symptom I’m still having. I have felt a bit of stretching, but not much (my belly is, after all, incredibly already stretched out!). But the other day while cutting up some raw deer meat I felt very sick to my stomach. Like shaky sick. It made me happy. Yes, it did.
My Middlest struggled most of the last week with hives. Severe full body, scalp, face hives. The oatmeal bath worked wonders, as did Benadryl for most of it. I did take him to the ER towards the end of the week because I was worried it was more than “just” hives. But it wasn’t more than that. And we don’t know what caused them. I don’t know that I’m going to take him to an allergist this time around either. Just so glad it’s over.
I tried to watch Courageous, but I couldn’t make it past the tragedy. Not in this phase of my life. I don’t need to see someone else’s made up pain and live through it. I have enough from other areas.
I watched The Help last night and though it was a tear jerker too, it was phenomenal.
My extended family is dealing with drama/tragedy and it makes me quiet. I can’t talk about it and it leaves me speechless in every other area.
School is still moving forward. BigMan just finished up the Animal Play from Teach Me Joy and we loved it. We’re now gearing up to start the Fruit of the Spirit curriculum from the same place. And I’m preparing to add an official spelling curriculum to the older kids’ already full school days. We’re in desperate need of it. ;)
So, that about sums it up for now I think. Not earth shattering, not soapbox standing, not witty or fun. But just another glimpse into the dailyness of it all.
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