This is my window sill over my new sink.  Which is beside my new dishwasher.  I love both of those new things.  The white shiny sink makes me clean it so much more.  Because it looks.. clean.  I love that my husband buys me flowers.  For no particular reason other than he knows that I love them.  I love the cheapy apple spice candle that was on sale after Christmas for $2.50.  I love the little winter snowmen that we’ve had since the second winter we spent together.  My parents gave it to me and it makes me smile.  It’s seen us through some cold winters.  I love, love, love my lego sculpture that My Middlest made for me for a Christmas present.  Can you see the 2 hearts?  The red one is me and blue one is him.  Do you also see the “I {heart} U” ?  I love that he made it and spent so much time designing it for me.  I love the sunshine coming in through the window in the sunroom.  (I’m not so fond of how desperately dirty my 2 windows are, but whatever)

I love the saying that is behind the lego sculpture.  Here’s a close up of it:

It came in my little $4.00 calendar I got just after Christmas.  I love that my kids now know most of those references from first-hand reading of the Bible this last year.  (Which by the way, I think I need my own teacher’s guide to Isaiah, whew.)

I love our Rod and Staff Language Arts.

In this lesson they were to tell about each picture.  They’re studying pronouns.  Not only do I like that these kinds of pictures are included in the lessons, I also like seeing my children’s interpretations of them.  Because I think I would’ve said “She is praying.”  But My Middlest put it this way:

And though both are accurate, his is so much more personal.  Oh, love.

I love that your words were so encouraging to just keep writing.  I don’t know why this is such a struggle right now.  I read back through some of my old writing and I think, “Wow, did I write that?  Who is that person?  And where is she now?”  I keep thinking it’s that I don’t have as much time as I used to (or at least don’t carve it out right now), that I’m interrupted more, that I don’t have a computer desk where the kids can’t literally crawl all over the top of me, that I haven’t been taking as many pictures of the kids (and we know how visual I am), that I haven’t been getting the camera out as much because it’s difficult, it’s winter, it’s…. I don’t know.  It all seems so hard right now.  But I do miss writing.  I miss capturing life through my camera.  I miss connecting with y’all.  I must work harder.  But see, even as I try to write this morning there have been 500 interruptions, lots of fighting, a peeing on the table, and I’ve yelled twice.  This is why.  It doesn’t seem worth it compared to being engaged and not being perturbed that they’re bugging me while I’m writing.

Speaking of being bugged..  I’m sick.  I have a cold.  Two weeks ago I started out with a head cold, it has moved into my chest and I’m just totally sick of it now.  I can’t breathe, I cough nonstop, and sleeping is evasive.  It makes me cranky.  Chamomile Lemon Tea with honey has been a good friend this go ’round.

I’m 6 weeks along now.  And just this week I have begun to have morning sickness.  Which is good.  I always worry until I feel that.  I’m a worrier.  And so far the sickness has been mild and livable.  I had a meeting with my midwife and I’m super excited.  I need to go write that whole post separately – y’all’ve had lots of questions (I did too!) and I want to address them.

My family drama is settling, but it has stirred a lot of inner thoughts and emotions in me that I’m working through.  Big stuff.

A friend of mine is doing  Learning Adventures next year with 2 of her boys and I’m loving the look of it.  She has done it before with her older two and I’m seriously considering dumping what we’re doing (at least for a year) and doing this alongside her.  If I buy the first volume, the student pack, the game, and the supplemental younger pack (one at a time), it isn’t too pricey to teach everything except math to all of them – and I am planning on incorporating the soon to be 6th grader, 4th grader, 2nd grader, and Kindergartener into this (we’ll stick with Math-U-See, another thing I love) and I’ll teach phonics to BigMan, who will be in Kindergarten next year using Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons and Hooked on Phonics.  I’ve really been thinking I wanted a unit study again.  As much as I’ve loved all the independent work this year, I miss being with them more, learning with them, directing fun stuff.  It’s time.  And this looks perfect.  Still thinking and praying on it, but I’m really excited about it.

So once again.  Random.  But an inviting in.  Oh, and I was thinking.  Maybe it would help my writing if you asked questions and I answered them.  Like I’ve done before.  Up for that?  You can email me or comment and I’ll address your questions, anonymously if you’d like.

You are.  Even today.  Even in what you’ve done and are currently doing.  In your anger, despair, ugliness.  You are pursued.  Just say okay.  Just give up.  Just be embraced.  Today.

You.

Even you.

Especially you.

Though I have enjoyed the scaling back of my site (fewer ads, no reviews, no money generated) I miss the moving forward of my blog.  It feels kinda stagnant to me.  I realize this is a season and I’ll sit here until I feel really encouraged and pushed to become really proactive with it again, but I miss it.

But my lessened writing leaves me feeling like “why write?” and makes me feel like “what message do I have that others aren’t already writing?”  But I know those are just doubts and lies.  Because I know what I tell someone else if they were to say that to me.  I would tell them the world needs their voice.  That what they have to say unique and important.  And so I know it applies to me too.  And so, I will continue to write even when it doesn’t flow, even when it’s not on topic, and even if not one of you decides to keep reading.  I will keep trying.

In other news, I have spoken with my midwife (who happens to be a good friend! *squeee!*) and I’m beginning the beginning process of this new different adventure.  I’m really excited about it.

I’m still exceptionally tired and that’s mainly the only symptom I’m still having.  I have felt a bit of stretching, but not much (my belly is, after all, incredibly already stretched out!).  But the other day while cutting up some raw deer meat I felt very sick to my stomach.  Like shaky sick.  It made me happy.  Yes, it did.

My Middlest struggled most of the last week with hives.  Severe full body, scalp, face hives.  The oatmeal bath worked wonders, as did Benadryl for most of it.  I did take him to the ER towards the end of the week because I was worried it was more than “just” hives.  But it wasn’t more than that.  And we don’t know what caused them.  I don’t know that I’m going to take him to an allergist this time around either.  Just so glad it’s over.

I tried to watch Courageous, but I couldn’t make it past the tragedy.  Not in this phase of my life.  I don’t need to see someone else’s made up pain and live through it.  I have enough from other areas.

I watched The Help last night and though it was a tear jerker too, it was phenomenal.

My extended family is dealing with drama/tragedy and it makes me quiet.  I can’t talk about it and it leaves me speechless in every other area.

School is still moving forward.  BigMan just finished up the Animal Play from Teach Me Joy and we loved it.  We’re now gearing up to start the Fruit of the Spirit curriculum from the same place.  And I’m preparing to add an official spelling curriculum to the older kids’ already full school days.  We’re in desperate need of it.  ;)

So, that about sums it up for now I think.  Not earth shattering, not soapbox standing, not witty or fun.  But just another glimpse into the dailyness of it all.

I went to check on Baby at naptime and I found Daisy Doodle the cat sleeping contentedly on top of him.  Knowing Baby’s fear of her, I snapped a quick pic with my phone.  It was too good.

When he got up I showed him the picture and he kept looking at it and me like he couldn’t believe it.  It was a sweet moment in an off kind of day.

A few hours after that I was getting ready to do the dishes, Matt and his friend had just run to town to get a few things to try to make our new heater work, and the kids were playing with a friend over.  Then I heard a thump from the front room and the kids, sounding distraught said the Baby had fallen on his head.  From a box about 4 feet high onto our thinly carpeted concrete floor.  When I got to him he was conscious, but not crying, he looked kind of like he was in a frozen scream with his mouth agape and looking beyond upset.  I scooped him up off the floor in time to see his eyes roll back in his head, his color go very ashen, and then he went limp, unconscious in my arms.

I lost my mind.

I ran out the door, barking to all the other 5 kids I had in my care to get shoes, shirts, and get in the van.  Simultaneously holding Baby close and yelling to God to please save him.  Begging God loudly.  The other children were scrambling to get shoes, crying, and standing a distance off.  As I ran outside (hysterical, with an unconscious 2 year old in my arms) I saw that the van was gone and then remembered that Matt had taken it to town with him just a few minutes before.  I panicked further.  Not knowing what to do and drawing the attention of every neighbor within hearing distance.  Baby, in this time, came to and began screaming crazily.  I was already on the phone with 911 by then and his screams were drowning out my attempts to give the dispatcher my address.  I handed the phone to my oldest asking him to give them our address and in the exchange hung up on them.  They immediately called back, got the address, dispatched the fire fighters and medics, and insisted on staying on the phone with me even as I begged to hang up so that I could call my husband.  Neighbors I don’t know had gathered by now and my children were huddled crying on the porch a few feet away as the fire fighters arrived in record time.  One of the neighbors said she was a nurse (was wearing her scrubs at the time even) and reassured me that she was also a mom of 4 grown children, that my child’s color was now good, his breathing was steady, but that I was right in my instinct to call EMTs.  They asked lots of questions, talked to my sweet boy, and assessed him.  They watched him closely for a while, talking and attempting to reassure me all the while.  As I retold the story again and again, it occurred to me that he was conscious when I got to him, and that he has always been a breath holder, though he’s never passed out doing it.  There was that one time when he was a tiny infant that he turned blue and I sent the kids out of the room afraid he would pass out then, but he didn’t and I was calm then because he was just angry, not hurt.  So, the loss of consciousness was his breath holding and not the impact.  I couldn’t stop shaking and the medics threatened with a smile to get the oxygen for me if I didn’t calm down.  Matt had called me back in the middle of it all to say that he was stuck in traffic and couldn’t get to me.  I begged him not to panic and to just drive carefully to me.  He finally made it home when the EMTs finished up and were getting ready to leave.  His hugs brought more tears and weak knees.  By then, I had reassured the kids profusely that it wasn’t their fault and that he was going to be okay.  Baby was shaken, but okay and clinging like crazy to me.  I was thankful for it, I needed his cuddles.

I reassured Matt that we would be okay and sent him back off to the store for the parts we needed.  I asked him if he was taking the van this time and he said, “Never again.”  But I was thankful he had it when he did.  It kept me from trying to drive 6 small children to the hospital through traffic in a hysterical condition.

I was deeply crazy the rest of the night as were the kids.  It was hard to move past it all.  My oldest later told me that he wasn’t too worried about the Baby until his eyes rolled back and that when that happened he felt like he was going to throw up.  My heart broke for all the other kids too.

That night as I sat cuddling Baby to sleep I snapped a picture of him.  Because it was too close.  I wanted to capture him.  Keep him.

And today, days after the near event, I snapped another picture of him.  One I love.

His footy jammies.  He and his brother with stamp “tattoos” all over them, giggling over silly monkey pictures in a book, holding that furry alligator.

Today I am not oblivious to what I have.  Even in the chaos and frustration, I know it’s special.  I know it’s a blessing.

We sold the house!  I have mixed emotions (sadness, grief, letting go…) but overall the feeling is relief.  So glad that it’s over and we can move on and find closure.  Heal.  And rejoice!!  The sale went through the Thursday before Christmas – such a blessing – we were able to buy a trampoline (and thusly nearly double our Christmas for the kids!)

Keeping to my declaration (of wisdom, stupidity?) I didn’t get a haircut the entire time we were trying to sell our house.  I originally made the decision because we just couldn’t afford any extras and haircuts are definitely extra.  Matt told me early on if I really wanted a haircut that we could set aside the money and do it, but somehow I promised myself I wouldn’t do it.  And then as one sale fell through and the next sale was being delayed I began to worry that I would join the ranks of Crystal Gail.  But I didn’t (whew!) and I took my girl and we got all dolled up last night (then went and bought me some shoes!  woohoo!)  I will get a picture of my new cut on here as soon as I can, but this morning with bed head and no make up it just ain’t happenin’.

This was the first Christmas (since having kids, I think) that Matt and I exchanged gifts with one another.  And he did it up big – he bought me new dishes and silverware.  Our first non-hand-me-down dishes since we’ve been married.  I adore them!  But I’m scared I’m gonna mess them up, because we’re the Parkers and we generally can’t have nothin’ nice!  (I got him a coffee pot and some cologne – I’m not sure those don’t count as gifts to myself!)

I’ve put on a bit of the weight I had previously lost and it makes me sad.  It’s not just the weight.  As I talked about before.  It’s the “why’s” behind the weight gain.  It’s a lack of self-control followed by guilt.  I hate the cycle.  I need to just make the decision and break it again.  Because I was so much happier before.

Homeschooling is rolling.  With the exception of the last couple of weeks of the holidays.  I’m ready for my schedule again.  So next week when all the holidaying is officially over I’ll be planning and getting back to it.  This year I will stick with our current curriculum plan, but I intend to incorporate a few unit studies along the way.  I always get to a holiday and wish I weren’t a slacker.  The kids will ask me why we’re celebrating a certain holiday and I rarely have an answer.  Plus, I’m so scheduled with our current curriculum that I feel guilty when I skip our scheduled schooling to try to fit in a unit study.  And I find myself (and the kids) sometimes burning out on the same old, same old.  So, I’m going to intentionally schedule holiday unit studies throughout the coming year – I think it will make me a happier person!  (any free unit studies suggestions are SO welcome by the way!)

We’re still working on reading through the Bible aloud with the kids.  I never thought: A. that we would actually stick with this.  B. Enjoy it so much.  C. Not be through by now.  On January 1st it will be a whole year that we have been reading the Bible aloud to our kids.  I’m only in Proverbs.  But I’m amazed at how much God has blessed our socks off by my determination to do this.  It hasn’t been easy.  I’ve discovered that the younger kids go completely nutso when I start reading it.  I’ve begun praying for peace and for God’s hand over us while I read.  It’s basically sheer determination to do it that has kept me going, but it’s been so great when I have that it encourages me to keep on keeping on.

With the sale of the house we were also fortunate enough to buy a dishwasher (to be delivered and hooked up in the next few weeks) and a furnace for our central heat (due to be delivered today!)  The space heaters have gotten us through and I’m abundantly thankful, but I’m beyond excited about central heat!  And I know that the dishwasher is totally frills and I’m also amazed at how, through prayer and God’s grace, that I’ve become content with my daily hour long dishwashing session, but I sure do look forward to the hum of an automatic dishwasher and the freed up time that will afford me!

The sicknesses have eased for now (except for one persistent cold the Baby keeps).  So thankful!

I’ve spent less time at my computer lately and it’s not entirely planned.  I just haven’t had the time.  I actually got Photoshop from a friend for Christmas!!  And I’m so, so, so excited about playing with it (though, of course daunted by learning something new!)  I just have to find the time to do it!

Baby is potty training.  Of his own accord.  I’m not rushing and it’s not final, but he’s slowly making progress and that makes me happy.

I hope you all have a Happy New Year if I can’t make it back here before then!