SillyMe » TheJoyfulChaos

Unto Us Is Born

December 18th, 2011

I saw this short video this morning. I love it. I love that it captures my beautiful city. I love that it gets across the real message of this season. I love that it’s gritty. And real. I love that it reminds me for whom He came. May you enjoy it and rejoice in Jesus Christ as much as I do. Feel free to share, post, like, tweet, and pin. For unto us.. all of us… we should all hear of the good news. That the crushing guilt you live in… it has an end. You can be free. You. For unto you was He born.

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It’s Attack

December 12th, 2011

I’ve worked out the drama of all our sicknesses on Facebook, gotten advice, and bemoaned our bad luck there. One month ago we got a fever virus. Where we ran 103 degree fevers for 4 days each, spreading slowly and finally working through our entire family over the course of 2 weeks.

Then 10 days later my girl got so very sick that I took her into the ER for what I feared was meningitis. Which turned out to be strep.

Then 7 days into her treatment of strep BigMan began throwing up. Nonstop. For 12 hours. And The Oldest threw up. Both with severe body aches and a very low grade fever. Then it spread to The Baby and then to Matt and onto me. Missing My Girl and The Middlest. I had people on fb praying for us, giving suggestions, offering help, and asking what on earth were we doing wrong that our children (and us) would be getting so sick so often. I went to the doctor to see if the latest round was an extension of My Girl’s strep, I was swabbed. (side note: I haven’t been to a doctor since giving birth, I just don’t go, but I thought if I had it, then I would swab each and every one of my children and get our whole family of 7 on antibiotics at once). I was negative. I discussed my concerns with the doctor. I told her I keep a decently clean house, I homeschool 5 small children under 10, I recently moved to the city from the middle of nowhere and joined every social club available when before we were basically our own social club, I asked if our tonsils should be looked at, if we should be on vitamins and certain supplements, I told her we getting weary and worried with all the sickness. She was not concerned, said it sounded normal for our circumstances, encouraged and reassured.

In the midst of all this our children were in their first ever Christmas Children’s Choir and our Cates’ family Christmas get together were the same weekend. I prayed and prayed that we would be well by the weekend. We got well by Friday in time for me cook and shop for the weekend and we had a blast Saturday with my family and thought we were in the clear for the Christmas program at church. And then late Saturday night My Middlest started throwing up. Nonstop. So MyMiddlest and my husband missed all our family coming for the first Christmas program. Heart breaking. I cried all morning. Part of me missing, my poor sickly baby and sweet husband. Ugh. And I cried over how sweet and wonderful the other 2 big kids were on the stage. And I cried over friends and family coming to see them. And I cried over the amount of cleaning I had to do when I got home.

At the same time my husband and BigMan began having lower stomach disturbances. And my youngest now has the same lower stomach issues. And my youngest and BigMan have runny noses.

So what’s going on?

That’s what we’ve asked ourselves for weeks now. I have analyzed my every parenting and housekeeping and cooking move. I have considered the water, the carrier monkeys that are our new friends, lowered immune systems, and my failure to be a good mom by not pumping everyone full of Vitamin D and C. I have become downhearted by it. I have doubted my every move. Matt and I have gotten short with one another. That will happen you know, when you do all you can, everyone’s tired, and the housework (read: laundry and added cleaning) is piling up.

All of these are the answers. And yet, I feel like none of them are.

I feel like the real issue at hand is that we submitted to God a few months back and moved into a dark place. Our good story began there. And we have prayed for our neighbors, looked for opportunities to minister in our community and asked God to use us the way He wants. We came excited and with determined hearts. So the one sure fire way to knock us out of the game of reaching those around us, the way to extinguish our lights is to keep us home, focused on us, bickering amongst ourselves.

I believe the real reason for all the random constant sicknesses is attack. I do. From the enemy. From Satan. I know I sound as crazy as a betsy bug to you, and I assure you I am the same goofy Suzanne from The Joyful Chaos that you have always read, but I feel like this is an issue bigger than teaching my kids to wash their hands.

So I come to you asking for prayer. That we would be well. That we would be encouraged and fall on our knees before our God. That we would accept that He loves us, that He doesn’t want us miserable. That we would seek Him in all this. That we would be strong in Him. That we would be knit together as a family and that our hearts would be one. That we would not listen to the whisperings of the enemy when he says we aren’t doing what’s right, that we are inadequate in all ways. I come, again, asking for prayer.

For where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name there am I with them. ~Matthew 18:20

I Am Knowable

December 1st, 2011

As I was thinking about the upcoming holidays and the crazy family get togethers (oh, c’mon, settle yerself down and admit that every single family is crazy, right?) I was kinda saddened. Just a little bit. Because I realized that a good bit of my family doesn’t really know me. I mean, they think they know me because they saw me grow up, they came to my school plays, they got the Christmas letters each year about me, and even saw me in diapers once upon a time, but in reality they don’t know who I am now. This also came to mind when I first got on Facebook and I started getting all those high school friend requests. Because I’m a different person than I used to be. I’m not the baby in diapers, I’m not that skinny nobbykneed kid, I’m not that abhorrent teenager any more. God has done some kind of work in me and most of the time I forget who He started out with. I mean, I have begged Him for years to take the details of the old me from my memory. If He can take those memories and put them as far as the east is from the west then He can wipe them from my mind. And He has been faithful. But the downside to that is though I’ve become a new person in Christ, I live on in the memories of friends and family as that old person.

But I then I remember that I blog. I have written about the intimate details of my life for 6 years now. And I have a Facebook page where I write the up to the minute laughs, cries, and goofiness that is my life. I am knowable. Anyone who desires can click online and see what’s going on inside my head, they can be a part of my life. They can interact with me. And hopefully, after a while they can also come to forget the being I once was and begin to see me for who I am. I take comfort in that.

I get from my readers all the time that one of the reasons they keep coming back is that I’m so transparent. It’s true. Granted there are a few things I don’t tell you, but for the most part you’re livin’ this life with me. You know when I have cycles, mastitis,and hemorrhoids. You know when I’m losing weight and how. You know minute by minute when I’m delivering a baby and when I’m going through post traumatic stress syndrome from swallowed pennies. You know the sheriff has been called on me and that I love me some cookin’ even if it’s just fried bolony. (and yes, you know to me it is bolony. not bologna.) You know when I’m on the top of the world, when homeschooling’s going great, and when I’m pleased with myself. You know I’m a cusser and a yeller and a regretter. You know me.

But that knowledge is sad to me. That you, people I have never met, but love so, know me better than a lot of the people I will be hanging out with in the weeks to come. The stranger in Wal-Mart who is struggling with her 3 little ones, that I hand my blog card to and offer encouragement, who tries out my The Joyful Chaos Facebook community knows me better than the people I will bow my head with over Christmas dinners. It makes me sad. But I know that I have done what I can do. I put myself out there. I make myself transparent. I write about me, my kids, and my goofy husband. I write about my hopes, dreams, failures, successes, and mundanities. I am knowable. If there are walls and fences, it has not been my doing. I reach out. I try. I hope. And I pray… that my family will log on, and read my words. Not to increase my readership but so that they may know me. That we can laugh together, know each other, share life together instead of awkward silence over punkin pie. Yet, there is distance. So is life.

But as I was contemplating all of this and the sadness of it all, it occurred to me how much greater must God’s sadness be. He displays His Glory every morning in the rising sun, every evening in the setting of the same. He blooms flowers out of concrete cracks. He breathes life into us and returns us to dust. He hangs the stars above us. He sends His people out to spread His love, His hope. He gives us His Truth and Word that tells of His unending Love for us. He tells us that the crushing guilt we live with daily of all our stupid actions can be taken away. Removed. Forgotten. He tells us we can become new people, different people from who we used to be, from whom we are ashamed of. He tells of His people’s successes and failures and hopes and dreams and mundanities through the centuries. All so that we may know Him, talk with Him, and laugh over pie from the pumpkins He grew for us. He wants to be known. Yet, so many don’t come to Him. They know about Him, they know what they’ve heard, but they don’t know Him. If I know my forlornness and sadness at not being known, though I’m so knowable, how much more must His brokenheartedness be?

And further, how knowable are you? How transparent? How much are you living in His image of availability? I know that some convictions and attributes of likeness come easily for some but are torture for others. Transparency, knowableness is as easy as pie to me. But being slow to anger, well… you know. And you do know, don’t you? Because you stop by often. And I love you for that.

More Thankfulness

November 29th, 2011

I’m thankful for that little bunch up there.

My girl got sick the other night after a week and a half of health, and presented symptoms of a fever over 103, a spreading rash, headache, a little vomiting, and then during children’s church choir (yes, we took her because she had been feeling a bit better in the afternoon)… the back of her neck started really hurting. We knew the stiff, sore neck was a cause for concern. After looking at Dr. Sears’ site and realizing the doctor we turn to who is usually so laid back about rashes and fevers and viruses was very insistent that the sore neck with any of the other symptoms was cause to go to the doctor immediately. No waiting for morning, no call to your doc, just go. We then called a nurse practioner friend of ours (who happens to be a mom as well) and she confirmed our concerns, that yes, she would go to the ER on a Sunday night with her own child if they had those symptoms. In addition to mostly being a doctor avoider anyway we were further concerned because we knew that if the hospital thought it might be meningitis the next step in diagnosing such a scary illness would be a spinal tap, followed by 14 days in the hospital hooked to an IV. And that’s the best case scenario. The only reassurance to that was that they would probably put her to sleep for the spinal tap and that if it were meningitis that we have hospitals that can help treat such horrific illnesses. On the way to the ER we quickly discussed who would stay with the other 4 children, what to ask the doctors, and prayed like crazy.

When you think that your world might be changing, that what you think will always be, might not, you look at your world differently. You kiss her head a little more gently. You play with her hair more, you have a hope deeper than you normally tap into. You find thankfulness in places that are unexpected.

We had given her ibuprofen just before going to the hospital for her rising fever and that relief was starting to show by the time we got there. I was thankful. The ER ushered us through the channels quickly. I was thankful. The hospital staff was kind, caring, attentive, efficient, and they listened to me. They were not condescending. When I told them we don’t just run to the doctor, much less the ER very often they took note. I was thankful. When they saw that I was texting with Matt to find out what questions to ask next, to keep him updated, and to determine our next steps they didn’t scold me for my use of my cell, they offered to wait on decision making until Matt and I could discuss it via the phone. I was thankful. When they said they thought it was definitely NOT meningitis (due to her perkiness and tap dancing in the ER room, no kidding) but that they wanted to swab for strep throat they offered her a popsicle for her throat swabbing bravery. It made her smile. I was thankful. When the cartoons went off on the hospital tv, I flipped channels for something kid appropriate and she yelled and cheered when I came across a football game “I wanna watch what Daddy’s watching at home right now!!” And I was thankful. When the tech came back with a negative test result and discharge papers I still had concerns and questions and she, without hesitation offered to bring the doctor back in to “reassure” me. I was thankful. When the doctor came back within 5 minutes and did in fact reassure me I was thankful again. When both of my sisters called to check on my girl and offer me any help needed while I was still in the hospital with her I was thankful. When Matt said the screaming stressed, missing mama, kiddos had somewhat settled down to an occasional cry after the first hour of yelling I was thankful.

When I got back into the van with my whole little family within a few hours’ time and a fairly clean bill of health with only an “It’s a virus” diagnosis and it was just before bedtime still, I was thankful. When the hospital called back the next day and told me that the culture confirmed strep and that she would need a round of antibiotics, I rejoiced. Because strep, that I can handle.