October 14th, 2010 I have recently come across a couple of different mamas who have just had their fifth or sixth children (Hi! You know who I’m talking to, don’t you?!) and who seem to be going through similarly what I went through a few months back when I was struggling so much with the mental place I was in after adding our fifth baby. It seems that maybe, possibly, I’m not alone. And as I was talking with one of these mamas I realized maybe I should make a post with all those links to the times I was really struggling and the couple where it all came together and began to make sense and get better. This is that post. If you’re struggling, take heart. Know that, at least you are not alone. And please feel free to email me – suzannerparker (at) gmail (dot) com – with any questions or for my phone number – we can get through this together.
Also, if you’re just looking for others who have a little larger families – we’re here! Please leave a comment on this post if you have 4, 5, 6, or more kids. Even if I already know you, I have others who would love to connect with you. If you’re willing leave your blog address, your twitter or facebook, or email. We’d love to have a community. Thanks, guys!
Here is the post where I tied it altogether: Healed. Skip to the last paragraph of the post to see the links to the posts where I laid bare my heart when I was so overwhelmed with it all. Please know, it gets better, there are others who have been, and are currently, where you are. Please reach out.
October 1st, 2010 I was thinking the other day about our priorities. I think it’s because I was thinking about how quick I am to skip our table work during school time some days. And at first it worried me. But then I realized it’s more planned than I had originally thought. Because sometimes (most times) you can’t do everything everyday. So we choose that which is most important.
Our priorities run as such:
Love
I want them to feel loved more than anything else. Because I believe if they know we love them and teach them to love each other it’s the first step to loving others and loving God above all else. And really, if they have nothing else in this world I would rather them be illiterate than not know love. So, if we’re having a hard morning, I drop the lessons and spend time with them. If friends call or drop in, we stop what we’re doing and visit with them. Loving others is more important than finishing worksheets.
Obedience
They must learn to obey. Not only does it make life better for everyone, it teaches the long term obedience to their Father. Consequences now are better than consequences later. So, in every day life, when one of my kids is having an “I’m not going to do what you say and whine and flip out all day” kind of day then we drop our lessons and really focus on that child and that issue. I addressed how we discipline in this post I submitted to Heart of the Matter.
House work
This one technically can get flipflopped with school work around here from time to time. Depends on how much school work we’ve done lately and how bad the house is. But usually, house work goes hand in hand with obedience in our house. Because they have jobs to do. And if they don’t do them, then it is a lack of obedience. And because learning to do your job, daily, even when you don’t feel like it is great preparation for life. Please don’t get me wrong, when I talk about obedience and house work I realize I start sounding like the Pearls. No, no, no! It’s not legalism. And there’s a lot of mercy, laughter, and chaos thrown in. But generally speaking, this is one of our focuses. Learn to clean and take care of your stuff and your life will be better for it someday. It’s a losing battle as my van and the stuff growing in my bathtub is a testament to, but I’m tryin’ ovah here!
School work
This makes the last of our list. Because I believe learning happens amidst all the other life scenarios I already listed. And because I believe it shouldn’t be that hard. If they are ready for a concept they will pick it up fairly easily. Leaving a lot of time for the other things. When they show readiness and interest in reading we work hard on learning letters and sounds until they are proficient in reading. I learned this one the hard way with the first child. Because when he was ready, he did it. As I am now learning with his multiplication tables. I’ve worried and spent too much time spinning my wheels. Now he’s showing interest and catching on so quickly. After all that worrying. Every time. Pointless. Say it with me (because I need to hear it!) “Worrying=Pointless”!!
Now, I know by setting our priorities this way that I probably won’t have Harvard scholars. I’m okay with that. If at any point they desire to be Harvard scholars, we’ll do what it takes to get them there. But I expect them to be loving people who happen to have degrees. Not accomplished jerks. And I’m aware they are not mutually exclusive. I’m not saying at all if your focus is academics that your children aren’t loving. At.All. It’s about balance, people, balance. I’m just saying, when you drop in to visit, expect us to drop everything to hang out. We teach them how to learn, instill a love of learning, and work through the curriculum we choose each year. But overall try not to stress out on the academics. (You know, aside from those homeschooling freak outs I have periodically that I’m failing! Which was the catalyst for this post, by the way!) This is, after all, one of the many reasons we chose homeschooling. So that we can focus on their other needs as well. I just have to keep that in mind when I’m having one of my freak outs. And I need you to remind me of this when you hear me stressing out, ‘k? So, when you’re having a homeschooling freak out, take a deep breath, take a step back, and remember why you’re doing what you’re doing. Because worrying=pointless.
September 17th, 2010 
Yesterday my morning started off with a bang. I set the baby in the floor and thought Matt saw that I had done it, he didn’t and Baby’s hand got stepped on. Before I could rub the sleep from my eyes. As I was trying to make coffee, I realized the casserole dish I dropped and broke the day before didn’t get completely cleaned up (and who’s fault would that be?) so I vacuumed the whole kitchen on my hands and knees while Baby screamed from the swing. I had 2 loads of dishes to do since I neglected them the day before and Baby screamed through those as well. While making muffins for the kiddos the smoke detector when off (as it always does when I make muffins) and that sent Baby into a new round of screams. We were out of milk because I didn’t feel like going to the grocery store at 8pm the night before on one of the only nights we don’t have soccer practice. Everyone was out of sorts without their morning chocolate milks. When I finally sat down with my first cup of coffee I dropped it. The whole cup all over me. Got my second cup and sat down to nurse Baby, who incidentally wasn’t having it because he didn’t want to lay against the wet coffee shirt I had left on out of sheer laziness. I picked up my cup to take the second sip from it and my 3 year old accidentally bumped my hand. Coffee everywhere take 2. My oldest son who has sensory issues and only one pair of shoes he will wear without severe constant complaining broke one of those shoes. And with it the last remaining semblance of sanity I had.
And then we went to the grocery store.
Where after repeated remindings to not touch anything my 5 year old daughter touched something.
And broke it open accidentally.
The kids all commented about how now we were going to have to buy it. I calmly responded, yes, we would have to buy it and it would be coming out of my girl’s money since I had told her not to touch anything and by her disobedience broke it.
Hysteria. In the monumental sense.
Unrelenting hysteria through the grocery line. Where I used WIC vouchers. 4 of them. And had 4 other small children looking on as my daughter wailed that she wanted to use her own money for a TOY!!!!
When I leaned over to quietly remind her that though, I know she was upset and that the disappointment was well, disappointing, if she couldn’t stop the screaming she would be taking a nap when we got home. Any guesses on the new level of hysteria?
The checker said, “Do they all take naps? Well, I see some of them look a little old…” Hinting at why are they not in school. To which I dropped the competent mom bomb, “I homeschool.” And I wanted to add sarcastically “You can see how that’s working out for me.” But I refrained. As the other children chose their quarter toys and my daughter got a tad quieter the checker actually asked how I do it. I laughed. And she said she was serious. She still wanted to know how I did it. She said she was glad I stood my ground. And I encouraged her that, yes, she too could homeschool. It’s laughable. Really, the scene replayed in my mind is something out of a sitcom. And why don’t we have a reality show deal yet?
We made it home, took a nap, and found our sanity. All to the tune of our theme song.
September 14th, 2010 I thought I knew what I was getting into having a lot of kids. You hear things, you know. And you mouth off about things you think you know.
A few of my preconceived notions:
- It will be loud.
- The kids are “always underfoot”.
- The kids grow up quicker because they “have to help” so much with the younger ones.
- The older children will resent the time you spend with the younger ones.
A few of the realities I’ve discovered:
- It is loud. Louder than I ever expected. And not just because kids are loud, but because they talk over each other.
- The kids are “always underfoot”. However, I had no idea what that really meant. Until I had enough children to actually trip over constantly. I step back to open the fridge and knock down a child. I turn around to set a plate on the counter and bonk another one on the head. I try to take one step from the sink to the hand towel and the child standing nearby will.not.move.
- The kids do more than other kids their age. They make muffins, brew coffee, carry groceries, carry babies, entertain toddlers, and scrub bathrooms. It’s true, they do help.
- The older children do not resent one second I spend with the little ones. Not at all. And they would tell me. They tell me every other thing that I could improve on in the slightest, let me tell you.
The reasonings behind/solutions for them:
1. To address the incessant over-talking in our house our current refrain is very much a constant “Wait, they were talking first. You have to listen and wait, child.” We say this so much I feel as though my head may explode some days. I’ve begun to remind them “Be quick to listen. Slow to speak. Slow to anger.” an awful lot lately. It’s a good lesson for me as well. As usual.
2. After constantly stepping on toes – quite figuratively and literally – I made a saying that we practiced and giggled over together. “I step, you step, we all step together!” It’s a nicer way of saying “Move.” And I must say, after really leaning on this one for awhile it has gotten better. The kiddos have started to take notice of their place in space and adjust accordingly. It’s a good skill to have. You don’t want to be a close talker.
3. I think possibly my older 2 kids do more than some kids their age. All the aforementioned things they do. I would never have thought they would, or should. In fact, I’m quite certain I passed judgment on these things once upon a time. And then my kids got older and I realized they beg to do these things (except for the scrubbing bathrooms part, I’ll get to that). And they beg much earlier than is comfortable for me. But they want to be challenged, they want to do something that matters and not just busy work. They want to contribute. Who knew? If you’re helping to eat the food and have the ability to carry a few grocery sacks into the house, well, get to carryin’. And the scrubbing bathrooms part? Well, you know, if you’re in the 7-9 age range around here and you help dirty up something then I figure by golly, you can help clean it. We’re a family. We all contribute. We all help. We all reap the benefits. And if you see my children fighting over who’s pushing the stroller, rest assured it’s because they all want to be the one who “gets to push him next”, not at all that I’m making my children do such a chore!
4. This one floors me. I used to worry when I had just one child (in that very short 19 months) that my oldest would be so very upset with my next child. That he would be upset with me for having that next child (not to mention all the others). Not once. And I hold my breath as I write this, that it will fall apart, but I really think it’s worth mentioning if you’re thinking of having more than one. Or two. Or more. I’m still constantly amazed at how much they love the baby. Each baby we’ve had. They never seem to have a problem with the little ones until they are old enough to “know”. And the older kids know it too. Once the children get to be older 2s or 3s they have a much more intentional feel to their actions. When the baby grabs their paper and shreds it everybody smiles and says in a little singsong voice, “Oh, baby, you can’t have that.” But when an older toddler grabs their paper and shreds it with that look in their eye, you know the one, don’t you? Well, then it’s on! But as far as babies? This is the nearly constant scene. (Unposed, for the record.)
In the interest of full disclosure I have to say the 3 year old is currently having a hard time not “loving” on the baby too much. As in, squeezes him too tightly, tries to pick him up, gets in his face – we find ourselves reminding BigMan constantly to “be gentle, love gently” lately.
And I think what I didn’t realize is that larger families are like smaller families. We love each and every child, we make time for each and every child. We’re busy in our own ways. We do have a few schedules and chores, but we do it for our sanity – who wants to constantly say every.single.day “who’s supposed to pick up the toys in the living room again?”
We’ve been surprised by the joys, the laughs, the chaos, the frustrations. And we’ve been surprised by the fun of it all.
So, what are your preconceived notions of larger families? If you are a larger than average family what have you been surprised by?
August 17th, 2010 In the middle of the other night my 3 year old came to my bed. It’s not new. We’re down to about 2 or 3 nights a week. He climbs into bed next to me and goes right back to sleep. It does make my night more difficult – I don’t sleep nearly as well when he does because I still nurse and cosleep with my 10 month old for most of the night too. But I don’t turn him away. I don’t fuss at him. I don’t even have him sleep in the floor like I did my first 2 children when they were this needy age. I just roll over. And ask him gently the next night to try to stay in his bed until the sun shines through his window. Some weeks are better than others. It seems to come and go in phases.
So the morning after one such night this sweet boy said, “When I walked to your bed last night, my legs were wiggly.” I asked what he meant, if he meant he was sleepy wiggly or scared wiggly. “I was wiggly,” was all he responded. A couple of minutes later he followed up with “Know why my legs were wiggly in the night, Mama? I was afraid you wouldn’t wake up.” I asked him if I had ever not awakened before and reassured him I’d be there to take care of him in the night if he needed me. To not ever worry about that.
Boy, am I glad I parent gently this time around. And how I wish I had followed my instincts to parent gently the first couple times around, to not always put me first. To remember they need me. Even in the middle of the night.
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