(originally published feb 27, 2006)

why can’t i stop?
i yell. i get angry. and i yell.
and my babies are at the receiving end of this. almost always.
why?
yesterday, sunday, “the Lord’s day”, i yelled.
not your normal yell. i screamed with all i had at them. my oldest cried and was afraid of me.
i have spent most of the last 24 hours crying out to God begging for forgiveness and for my children to not be scarred for my sins, for the screaming cycle to end with me. and for my sins not to be passed to my children’s grandchildren. because, you know, it is. but it doesn’t have to be.
why is there repetitive sin? why must i do the same sins that i know what the results are? the outcome of fear, shame, guilt - it’s exactly the same everytime. this is not new.
yes, i know they still love me.
yes, i know they’re resilient.
yes, i know i’m not perfect and it’s important for them to know this and see the act of being humble, asking forgiveness from those who were sinned against, being forgiven, asking and receiving forgiveness from my Father. yada, yada, yada…
i know what truly matters is that i not yell at my children. for a million and one reasons, maybe most importantly because i know how it feels. and i know the struggle it brings about to connect with an all-patient loving Father when the earthly role models fall so short.
i must get up.
i must accept that my children have forgiven me.
i must accept that God has forgiven me - the first time i asked.

i must get up.