I’m 34 weeks today. Apparently this blog is turning into a baby countdown blog with the occasional rant and homeschool mention. Good grief. I would like to get back to writing a lot, but this season in my life has me busy, busy at home and less so here in blogland. So let’s get back to that baby countdown, shall we?
I’ve had several people ask how I’m feeling. Frankly, like crap. It’s hot. Have I mentioned that before? Like, hovering around 101-108. All.the.time. My house, like so many others’ around here, just can’t cool sufficiently when faced with this heat. So, I’m hot, I’m huge, my back hurts, I can’t bend over, my veins still hurt, and I have indigestion to the point that there’s just not much left I want to eat.
I was in church the other morning and singing praises to God and somehow thinking about how I wasn’t feeling so well. I was thinking about how I have no time, patience, or room for most frivolous foods anymore. When I eat I have to be conscious of what I’m taking in. I need water, milk, protein, fiber, and iron. Everything else just gets skipped lately. I don’t want chips, I don’t want extra snacks. All that I have room for in my diet is what really matters. And it made me think of our appetite for God. Am I like that with Him? I know I’m not. But it’s interesting to contemplate. If we had no stomach for the rest of the crap in the world, but only had an appetite for what we really needed, for what our bodies and souls cried out for, I think we would drop a lot of what doesn’t matter and focus on Him. I love how He allows every pregnancy to remind me more of Him. Blessings in so many ways.
In other notes, I’m huge. Matt saw me from the side this morning and said, “Wow. You look like you swallowed a watermelon. That’s way past punkin size.” Yes, I know. Thank you.
I’m closing in on the busy weeks, followed by the waiting weeks. At 36 weeks I’ll have one last clearance check from the OB. I’ll have my Group B Strep test (which I’m really praying that this time I won’t be positive and can be IV free). I’ll have my midwife plus the other midwife walk-through of our house. I’ll have to place the order for all the homebirth delivery stuff. I’ll have to gather all the new baby supplies and get my life ready for her. But then I know once I do all of that running around there will be several weeks of completely ready that we sit and wait. And though my house doesn’t look very baby ready, I know that we are pretty much. One of my friends asked me the other day if I was ready to be done with this overly hot summer. And then she said, “But oh, wait, when it’s over, you’ll have a baby here! So do you wish it would stretch out then, to give you more time before she comes?” I was taken aback. Not at all. I just want her here and the summer to be over. But that got me thinking. It’s interesting, because I remember with other babies feeling torn – hurry up already! I was so impatient that I didn’t even care if we brought the baby into the world before it was time. A little bit of experience has taught me that no amount of impatience is worth hurrying the baby into the world. Take your time, sweet baby, and get healthy. But I also felt an anxiety and fear about a new baby coming – a concern about enough time with my current family, with my current babies. I had anxiety about being properly ready, did I have all of the stuff I needed? I worried about being able to take care of another baby or finishing schoolwork or getting someone potty trained or moved into their own bed. This time around I have none of that. As far as stuff goes, I’m slowly acquiring what I need (and even what I want) and I know that I have plenty of time. As far as our current family, I’m secure in my ability to love them all and I’ve weathered some adjustment storms before, knowing that we come out on the other side better than we started. And the ability to take care of a newborn right now? Yep. I think I could do that. Tomorrow. (Assuming of course that I was full term) I know that there are few circumstances that I couldn’t just send Matt to the store for what I need, cocoon with her and my other babies, and be content. It’s amazing how much wisdom calms storms.
Of course, I worry about the birth. That’s new to me, the whole homebirth scene. I’m a tad worried about that and the unknowns. And I always worry about the health of the baby and me during and just after birth. I will still have to work through those emotions. I also find myself very worried about post partum depression. I’ve had varying degrees in the past and I never know just how I’ll react. I really want this to not be a difficult time after the birth. Another worry is the whole post partum pain and bodily adjustment. That time is one of intensive caring for myself and I hate that. I like to shower, get ready, potty, and move through my day without constantly thinking of the pain and maintenance of me. But I know all of that passes.
Which brings me to another realization I had the other day. I long to be pregnant when I’m not. So why am I wishing away what I have now. This could very well be the last one ever. And I’m rushing through it. Yes, I know it is difficult toward the end, I do know that it really is this hot out, but I also know I love feeling her flip and flop, watching even her hiccups. So, my goal from here on out is to embrace this time. Even the harder times when I can’t breathe, can’t switch the laundry, can’t pick up the 10 billionth thing I’ve dropped in a day. I will embrace this blessing as that. A gift. An awesome amazing wonderful gift, every part of it!