Which by the way are currently: Height: 5 foot 3 inches Weight: 126.2
After I posted a few “did you knows” the other day I had a bit of feedback about my whining that I had been stuck at 128 pounds. And I completely understand that. Not bad feedback, just a few hey, really?s. And that’s okay with me. I get it. I promise.
Here’s where I’m coming from. I used to be super skinny minny as a kid. That’s me at 4 years old in the black Porsche shirt.
Up through high school was the same. Skinny as ever.
Then I went off to college and ate nothing but pizza and cereal and gained more than 15 pounds.
Then I went off to girl scout camp as a counselor and ate like a queen with all that amazing down home cookin’ by the camp cooks. Yes, that really is me holding a snake, over weight, and wearing no make up. Yes, I’m really showing you that picture.
I lost a little of all that weight when I worked for the group home because I stayed so busy I didn’t have time to think about food. This is a pic of me that Matt took while I was working at the group home and dating him.
Then I got married a few months later.
And then I ate out a lot and ate Matt’s great cooking. I got pregnant with my first child, had pre eclampsia and looked like this the night before my first child was born.
I lost a bit after his birth because I was so stressed out by being a new mom that I forgot to eat. And then I got pregnant with the second child. That’s me on the left a few months pregnant. (edited to add: Haha! That picture below is dated, hello?! I was only 2 months post partum from my first baby, not quite pregnant with the second one yet! eh, pregnant, post partum, whatever, right?! hehe!)
Here I am holding the Middlest just after he was born.
While pregnant with my 3rd child I determined to lose the weight after she was born. It was just after my girl (my 3rd child) was born and Matt went on a serious diet, I had friends that lived close and we walked at the college track quite a bit. I lost a bunch of weight again.
Here I am holding her just days after her birth.
But then Matt’s best friend died an unexpected death that put us in a tailspin, Matt went off the diet and I quit right along with him. Then I got pregnant again, we made a move away from all friends, and I basically just gave up and ate myself through all the stress. I initially lost the weight from all the new babyness and nursing. Here I am with the 3 olders and me wearing BigMan just after he was born.
But then I gained the weight back and I never lost the weight after that because we were in a serious lack of money phase and a hard time in our marriage. Then I got pregnant with the fifth child and somehow, despite being so very sick to my stomach, gained too much weight again. You can see me not so overweight, just not healthy on my about me page wearing Baby about a year ago.
So my weight has been an up and down, tossed by the winds, undisciplined issue.
Then I just ceased caring. I ate chocolate chips every.single.night. I ate several mini candy bars a day. I cooked frugal recipes, but they definitely were not kind to the waist with all that bacon grease for flavoring. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was stressed, I ate when I was bored. I was staying just above 140 pounds. Which granted for all that eating wasn’t a lot, but I was (and still am) nursing around the clock. I had pregnancies in there and gained and lost over and over. With my eating habits, were I not nearly completely sustaining a growing toddler with my milk supply, I would weigh oh so much more.
My initial weight goal for years has been 125. If I could just attain that then I would reassess what my next weight goal would be. I’m only a pound away from that now, but I don’t plan on stopping.
Because this time it’s not about the numbers.
It’s about eating better. It’s about changing. Everything. Matt wants to lose weight (and is by leaps and bounds!), but he wants to be healthier. I need to learn how to help that happen. I looked at my children the other day (it’s actually been nagging at me for years) and realized their habits reflected my own (duh). It’s not about their weight. It’s about their health. And their futures. It’s about self-discipline, self-control, lack of gluttony, the gaining of knowledge. They don’t need 5 treats a day. They don’t need 6 pieces of pizza each. And neither do I.
I want us to learn a new way. A way of choosing fresh fruit as our treat. A way of choosing meat and veggies over cans of sauce and pasta.
It’s a learning curve. I don’t have it figured out yet. I haven’t cooked a meal for us as a family in 2 months I think. Matt grills and I throw something together. I’m still feeding the kids junk food some of the time. But it’s getting less. I just have to figure out what I’m doing.
And I had to change my mindset that this is not a diet. This is not a get where I want and then eat how I want. I want to want this. I feel better about myself already because when I stay strong I don’t feel guilty. Because I’m having to safety pin my pants. Because the double chin and flappy upper arms I’ve hated for years are gone in just a couple of months. (why oh why did it take me so long to make up mind to do this?) Sin is enjoyable for a season (gosh, it’s fun to eat those first 2 handfuls of chocolate chips), but the season passes (ugh, I don’t even enjoy the taste of them by the 3rd handful, why do I keep eating them? that’s quickly followed by – ugh, I feel so guilty for eating all that). I don’t want to live in that sin. It feels yucky. And my children were learning that was just the way to be. I told one of my children recently that they should only eat until they begin to feel full. I asked them if they felt full. They said they didn’t know. That they had never known that. Sad. That’s what I’ve been teaching them.
So, I’m sorry that I appeared to be whining about a low number. It really wasn’t that. It’s that I stay encouraged by watching those numbers drop when I’m trying so hard to not lick hot fudge from Baby’s face. And to watch those numbers stall for days when I’m trying so hard is frustrating. But I know, that if I stay strong, hang in there, keep on keeping on this will be a new habit. This will be my new normal. And then eventually it will just be normal.
I want healthy to be normal. Wanna join me there?
