The other night I finally gave in and watched the video at the end of this post about the Blissdom ’11 Flashmob. I’d seen rumors of it floating around my blogging friends’ circles. But I stayed away from the videos. Until the other night. And just as I was afraid of .. I cried when I watched it. Matt looked over and chuckled at me when he heard Miley Cyrus playing, because really, who wouldn’t laugh at someone who tears up at “Party in the USA”? But when I explained what it was I was watching and why, he looked brokenhearted for me. Asked me when it was, if it was over. I knew he was trying to think of a way to get me there. Then. But it was over. For another year.
We discussed briefly my desire to go this year before the conference but between money and a nursing one year old I decided this wasn’t the year. I just couldn’t swing it.
And then I started thinking about the people that were there. How I had real life friends who were there. Not to mention lots of other bloggers that I feel like I know, but have never met. I thought about how they had all been going for 2 years now and how they are a “clique” that I probably wouldn’t “fit into” anyway. That the fun they had wouldn’t actually be my fun because I wasn’t cool like them. {mind you, these girls are great, it’s all in my head. which is what this whole post is about.}
My high school fears set back in.
The same fears I had when a real life “friend” on Facebook that I had gone to high school with contacted me directly. {Hi, Kelly! I love you!} She inboxed me one day and asked if my girl would like some hand-me-downs and if we needed a bunk bed, by chance. Wow. I was thrilled, thankful, and very self-conscious. She said she loved reading my blog and wanted me to know. Now, I know lots of people read my blog that don’t tell me. And I know I have lots of “friends” on Facebook from high school, but I figure I’m just a number to them and a passing thought. See, Kelly’s awesome. She’s beautiful, has beautiful kids, is successful, and was a cheerleader. Don’t get me wrong that’s not a negative thing. That’s a matter of fact. She was and I was not. I was part of the nerd herd. I drew run-through signs for the football team and the cheerleaders painted them. I sometimes rode along with the cheerleaders to the out of town games. And they were always wonderful to me. Never, ever a mean girls moment. But I felt self-conscious. Uncomfortable in my own skin. Unpretty. Uncool. Un-everything.
{Because sometimes you feel as out of place as a black chair in a white field.}
I fought back these fears and told Kelly I would love to have the items and even more so would love to catch up with her in real life. I told Matt about my fears before she came to visit and he told me oh, so gently, that everyone in high school feels weird. All teenagers feel uncomfortable in their own skin and out of place when not in their comfort zones (even cheerleaders). And he reminded me we were both in our 30s now, that I might could move on, maybe.
I had a wonderful time with Kelly. Then and on another playdate. I hope to have more playdates with her. It wasn’t weird. I wasn’t that kid so out of place on that school bus anymore in my jeans with no cute uniform to be had. My fears dissolved.
Maybe I am growing up. Acting my age.
But then my thoughts turn to Blissdom again. And how I should start planning now if I want to go next year. And I do want to go. I know this because when I read Dawn’s quote, “I love BlissDom, where blogging moms feel like rock stars for four days. In an everyday life filled with cooking, cleaning, laundry, and homeschooling, it’s a fun and welcome change of routine” I have an emotional response. One where I want to be a part of that. I want to meet other blogging moms who have secret lives where they’re cool. They have a following and friends. Where they put all their hopes and dreams out there for the world to see, but in real life people think they’re the unassuming mom next door. They don’t know they have nicknames and “fans”. I want to be with those other people. I want to escape for just a few days. I want to conquer my fears like I did with Kelly. I want to grow up. I want to be a rock star. I want to be cool.
