I mentioned this in my priorities list the other day. And since then I’ve had several questions about obedience. And though those questions are not answered here exactly, they did get me worried. I’m all about openness and realness. And being real with you includes me saying this: I work to get my kids to obey. They don’t actually obey. Well, they do sometimes depending on the child and the issue at hand. But that changes daily. I do not have a house full of robotic happy people that know what to do and do it. I nag and ask and complain and remind and make charts and throw my hands in the air and wonder if I’m talking to the wall. All the time. But I don’t stop doing all those things. It’s just that over time the things I’m harping on seem to change. The 3 year old is no longer unbuckling his car seat going down the interstate or gagging himself for attention. The 5 year old is no longer hitting people. The 7 year old is no longer flat out refusing to do chores (though he will still have a crying meltdown over them occasionally). The 9 year old now closes the door behind him when he goes out.
But in the midst of whatever issue they’re struggling with it seems as though I will teach that one thing for eternity. I seriously have to stop occasionally and think back to things they used to do to realize we’re making progress.
For instance a few of the battles we’re having right now, the stop everything and address them right now kind of battles, are:
The nearly 1 year old: learn the simple commands of “Sit down” while in the bath tub and to open his mouth (or at least not run away) when I say “What’s in your mouth?” Now that sounds all together and fancy-like until you realize it really means that I set my baby back down from a stand approximately 500 times per bath time while saying “Sit down” oh so sweetly and trying to not growl about it. And saying “What’s in your mouth?” calmly while running to said Baby at break-neck speed to dig out whatever object he’s found now.
The 3 year old: learn to play gentler with the Baby and don’t yell in inappropriate places. Again, sounds serene and robotic. However, it looks like “BigMan, don’t grab him by the head and try to dance with him. BigMan, don’t get one inch from his face and growl. BigMan, don’t knock the Baby over with your feet while smiling. BigMan, BigMan, BigMan!!” This is a battle we’ve been hitting pretty hard for weeks now. WEEKS. And the yelling. That’s a new one. He likes to be the center of attention. He likes to yell. He’s found the perfect one-two punch. He smiles and yells out suddenly and LOUDLY while grocery shopping, while I’m driving down the interstate, while standing next to the sleeping Baby. It’s not such an infraction until I realized it’s happening more and more and more. So we’re focusing on telling him to stop. We’re really having to make sure we don’t let even one yelling instance go without us addressing it. And I’m having to keep him and the Baby in sight while we fight this “be gentle” battle. Oh, and stay seated while we’re eating. This is another I want him to do that we work on during mealtimes. Besides being a part of the family discussion, helping in restaurants, and being polite, I think it would go a long way in getting him to actually eat something.
The 5 year old: smacking at the table, not flopping down in the floor when I tell her to do something, and don’t “help” so much with the Baby’s walking. The smacking is a small thing, that has become a constant annoyance, therefore it has moved to the top of the “fix this” list. Weeks for this one so far. Helping too much with the Baby – seems sweet. However, she loves babies so much and helping so very much that it’s actually hurting now. I have to remind her constantly not to interfere when he’s walking because he’s learning balance and she actually makes it worse, makes him fall, when she “helps”. The flopping down – I’ll come back to this one.
The 7 year old: don’t cry over everything and pay attention to where your body is in space. His are different issues. He has less blatant disobedience issues right now, but he has to learn self-awareness and self-control. I find this a little more difficult. He’s rather, shall I say, clumsy. Bonks his head, his feet, his body, others’ head, feet, bodies. He knocks over more glasses, plates, people. So, I just try to catch him about to hurt himself or watch for behaviors that lead to that. For instance he flips around on the floor and couch all the time. So, I try to get him to look around and make sure toys that could hurt him are picked up, other people are out of the way, watch where he is to not knock things over. And he’s such a pleaser that crying is an issue. Which seems all sweet and soft-hearted except that he cries over everything all the time. He needs to learn a little control. So, when he starts in, like last night during chore time, I realized it was because he couldn’t see the end to what he was doing. To him it felt like he really wouldn’t get through in time to spend time with us before bed. I went in and tried to explain he had plenty of time if he would stop being hysterical and just do the next thing. (good reminder for us, no?) I also had his older brother help him finish his last chore to get done quicker. I just try to understand and then explain.
The 9 year old: He has mastered so much that at first glance it would appear we have arrived. He holds doors, he watches out for the youngers, he helps cook, does chores efficiently and without complaining. However, he is still struggling with being bossy and arguing. It’s a fine line being the Oldest. I ask him to tell the others to come in and then get onto him for standing there yelling and arguing with them. So, we’re working on that it’s only his responsibility to let the others know what I had to say and then walking away. He is not the enforcer only the informer. And we’re working on tone. How to relay what he wants in a gentle and kind way without being abrasive. And here’s the biggie for me: he argues. With me. All the time. We’re trying to teach him that when I tell him to do or not do something that he needs to say, “Yes, ma’am” and do it. I have recently searched myself and discovered that it’s a humility/pride issue. He knows better, so he thinks. He feels the need to tell me why he’s doing what he’s doing. I don’t want explanations, I want obedience. I’ve tried to convince him that if he will only say “yes, ma’am” and then later, much later, come back and let me know what was going on I will listen. But it’s constant, over everything. It’s not just when he thinks something’s important, it’s that he thinks everything’s important.
Now, here’s where my weakness is. I feel fairly confident in my parenting skills and continued what-looks-like chaos until I think that it’s just not taking. When after ample time, I feel like they aren’t getting something, then I start to panic. Like I’m doing something vitally wrong. This brings us back to the 5 year old girl’s flop on the floor fits and the 9 year old’s arguing. Years, y’all. Years. And I start to think, “What on earth am I doing wrong?” And I check out parenting books like “Have a new kid by Friday” by Kevin Leman. Which I did recently. And I read Ezzo/Pearl kind of blogs. And it didn’t take me all that long to realize that I think all that is bunk. I may not be doing it all right, but I’m most decidedly not going to do their way. And then I get over my “I’m a parenting failure” freak out and just keep on keeping on. I pray for wisdom for that particular child. And then I just keep going. Hoping that someday it will take.
So, that’s what obedience in our house looks like right now. I feel like I’m kinda middle of the road (as I am on most things). I try to do the right thing, but most times don’t. I teach obedience, but I don’t expect perfection. I expect kids. And then I deal with whatever is most important right now. And I keep on keeping on.
