As a young adult I worked in a transitional group home for girls. In layman’s terms that means I worked at a children’s home that was trying out a pilot program for 7 girls between the ages of 12 and 18 who had been in our state’s lock up facility. They would be taught basic skills for life for 6 months in hopes that they would not return to the only life they knew and would get a second chance for making the right decisions. The girls would be constantly rotating in and out under our care.
Though I was only a tad older than the oldest girl, I had come from a vastly different background and I just knew I had something to teach them. My employers put their trust in young arrogant me who wanted so desperately to change the world.
I worked there when I was single until Matt proposed and I ran away to be with him. We then worked together as Family Teachers together in another long-term home very briefly. We decided it was not the environment we wanted to raise our family in. We moved on.
While there, I like to think we taught them many things by the model they provided. Looking back, I think maybe they taught me more than I ever taught them.
When people say they don’t know how I do what I do with my little brood of 5 small children, I attribute a lot of it the group home.
When you can corral 7 teenage girls, you build a confidence in taking your own 5 little people out in the world.
When you are routinely embarrassed by and laughed at by teenagers you let go of all self-respect. And you learn to laugh.
When you must find ways to influence girls without laying a hand on them (knowing they could take you down quicker than you can blink) you know you can influence small children’s behavior without always relying on spanking.
When you can menu plan, shop, and cook for 7 teenagers that never.stop.eating then cooking for a family our size seems laughable.
When you can accept feedback from employers to be more “objective” you can more easily accept the stranger’s glares at the grocery store.
When you can learn how to parallel park a 16 passenger bus downtown, you can feel confident moving from a Corolla to a Grand Caravan.
When you can make elaborate schedules for chores, outings, and privileges for girls aged 15, you can figure out how to make a 5 year old chore chart.
When you have to turn in “work order tickets” to get things done around your home, you learn self-sufficiency.
When you work within a very strict budget for the home, you get used to “making do” with what you have.
When you’ve survived a teenage tantrum in Wal-Mart, a 3 year old’s is pie.
Because when you have 7 teens and elaborate schedules and the possibility of anything happening at any moment you become resourceful and minute-to-minute. It helps you to adapt to anything with your children and know that this too shall pass – just ride it out.
When the basic skills for life are practiced over and over step-by-step and you can recite them in your sleep, teaching your own child to 1. Look the person in the eye 2. Extend your hand 3. Tell them your name and 4. Tell them “It’s nice to meet you.” becomes second nature.
When you have meetings to determine what skills the teen in your care is struggling the most with you become keenly aware of what your own child has accomplished and what they really need to work on.
When you have a “point sheet” where the teenagers target skills are listed and they earn or lose points based on their everyday interactions you pay attention to your children’s constant behaviors.
When your interactions with the teens in your care require you to say things like “I understand you wanted to go to that party, but what you’re doing is pouting- your voice has lowered, your lip is out, and you’re not looking me in the eye, what you need to do is accept no with no change in your voice, maintain eye contact and remain pleasant finishing your chores. The reason you want to be able to accept no is that people will feel like they can trust you with more freedom and responsibility in the future. Let’s practice what that would look like.” Then you are more aware of showing your own children empathy, stating what they need to work on, why they should work on it, and then practicing it to know what to do in the future.
When you become accustomed to a “point system” you are very aware of how many negatives (“No, you can’t do that” “Stop doing that” “Quit that”) you know you need to build in 4-6 positive things for every one negative you impart. “Increase your positives” we say. Start rubbing backs more when you talk to them. Find more things they’re doing right than things they’re doing wrong. It can be difficult. It must be done.
Sometimes when the teenagers have an “intensive” – a full-blown child-sized tantrum it will result in a total loss of privileges. And everything except eating, sleeping, time with me, and being loved is a privilege – sweets, toys, books, tv, pool time, field trips. When your own 5 year old child is having “intensives” frenquently (as was my girl just yesterday), we begin taking privs one at a time. Until they’re all gone. She can then earn them back – this morning she regained every privilege she lost yesterday. Because His mercies are new every morning – so are mine.
What lessons has your non-kid life taught you about your own children? Have you ever thought about it? Will you share?
