July 21st, 2009 Y’all were so sweet as always and SO encouraging to me when I had yet another breakdown the other day. It does help to know it was in the air and that you seasoned moms still have those kind of days. It does help to know that there are other people out there that struggle in the same ways that I do. And it most assuredly helps to be reminded of the most important things.
I have to say also, that it helps to have found a couple of encouraging websites that I will be frequenting and that I will pass along to all of you.
Larger Families
Walking Therein
Lots of Kids
But amidst your outpouring of support I saw a couple of things I just could not ignore. Two of you are mamas that had 2 under 2 (or even 3 under 2!) and now you’ve graduated to a new stage. Your oldest is now 3 and you have another (or 2!) little sibling(s) following that first baby around (and, yes, that big boy you have is still a baby – you just don’t feel like it). Let me stop here and give a few disclaimers. If your first child is under the age of 3 (especially if they’re 2 years old) just stop reading. Really. Bookmark it, set it to memory, or shoot me an email in a year, but stop reading. This won’t help you right now and it will be rather disheartening. Instead go here to a day that I live-blogged my 2 year old (at the time) girl. That’ll make you feel better.
Now that all those newer mamas are gone (and you have left already, right?!) let’s get down to bidness.
Three year olds are different creatures. Nobody warns you. Oh, they warn you about the terrible twos, but say nothing of the horrific threes. I, for one, was blind-sided when MyOldest turned 3. I distinctly remember calling my (then) pastor’s wife in tears and asking her if she’d ever hated her kids when they were 3. “No” she said with a laugh. I told her she was not the person that I needed to be talking to right then and promptly hung up on her. I love her, but we were not on the same page. I was obviously in the “Losing My Mind” chapter, while she had moved on to the “Got it all together with older and further spaced children” section of this parenting book.
Two year olds are exhausting. I know. I promise, I know. And somehow, you think as you celebrate that third birthday that you can breathe a sigh of relief. Especially if you already have child number 2 in tow. You have this down, you think. You know what you’re doing, you think. You’re one of those wiser seasoned moms, you think. And in some ways you are. But the dirty little secret is: the age of 3 is frightening. That child you have is not grown no matter how much more like a child and less like a baby they look. They cannot be depended on to actually do anything you want them to do. And now some of those crying fits they had at 2 are accompanied by a mouth. A whiny, bossy, know-it-all, not gonna listen to you mouth. It ain’t pretty. And the emotional upheaval they go through – oh.my.goodness. Up. Down. Way, sweet up. Horribly, terribly down. About 500 times a day. And now, when they throw that same fit they’ve been throwing in WalMart (and have never gotten away with – why, honey? do you still do it?) since they were 4 weeks old, now has words to it. Not nice words. Words that other people look at you like “Haven’t you done any raising of that child?” And they’re harder to actually handle. They’re bigger. They’re harder to pick up and set in the basket. Especially with an infant in tow. Three is hard. And it’s even harder when it’s your first. I can’t say that enough.
So, with that, a few suggestions, if I may (okay, I know just a few days ago I was having a freak out and now I’m offering advice – this is stuff I remember, people, not stuff I’m currently trying to figure out. Or you could just take it with a grain of salt and ignore me – either way – I’m gonna share).
Pick your battles. Really. Is it really important right now? All of it? Are you sure? I know you want this child to learn to open doors for people. But right now? I promise you have time to teach that kind of thing. Want to teach them to clean up after themselves? That’s noble. And other friends that have just one child or have their children spread further out, may be able to teach these kind of things right now. Good for them. It’s not your story, though. Priorities. Let’s start with basics. Don’t hit people. If yours are like mine (and if they’re not, don’t tell me, okay?) this is a big enough battle of it’s own. Pick this one. Don’t whine. This is important to me – because I may just lose my ever-lovin’ mind if you do it all day long. Don’t throw things when you’re mad. These are battles worth fighting for me. With some of mine, getting them to stay in their bed was important enough at the time. Some kids at different seasons, not so much. I mainly stick with safety (explicitly theirs or because I’ll whollop anyone who whines for the 12th hour in a day) on this age-battlefront. Now, here’s the kicker. You must win the battles that you pick. That’s why I emphasize picking very few battles. Because, really you don’t want to spend your everyday all day in fights. I did this the first time around. I didn’t know better. Don’t do it. Pick a few that rear their ugly heads, fight them tooth and nail, and win them. Know that in the midst of the battle (that could last days, weeks, or months and then actually show back up in 6 months after no sign) that it will look like you’re making absolutely no progress. “Spitting in the wind” as another seasoned mom told me one time. But then one day you’ll wake up and realize, “Huh, that’s gone, and now we’re fighting a different battle. When did that happen?”
And I have to add, potty training should not be a battle. Really. If your child had it down at 2 and suddenly has “forgotten” how to go potty in the right places, just stick a diaper or pull-up back on that child and quit fighting. If they never “got it” at 2 and are still struggling at 3 to go potty – don’t fight. This is one they’ll win. Even if it requires doctors and medication they will win it. And you’ll both lose. Let it go. They’ll decide it’s worth it at some point. Just keep offering and suggesting gently from time to time. They won’t go to college in diapers. And if they do, you have bigger problems than potty-training. Don’t pick this battle.
Slow down. You have so much time to do all those things you want to do. Trying to fit in that perfect childhood full of all these go-to-town adventures at this age is asking for you to feel inadequate. And them to get burnt out. Right now, just cocoon at home mostly and sit with those little ones. There’ll be plenty of time to do all that running and involving that you want to do.
Usually too, when you have a 3 year old and an infant or 1 year old, that older child is just now realizing they can’t send back that baby you’re holding. Or that’s pulling his hair, messing up his toys, eating his food, generally getting in the way of their “all about me” stage. Time will win this one for you. They’ll eventually see that this other kid isn’t going anywhere and that they just kind of have to adapt. And they will. It just may take a while. If they revert back to the baby stage – then baby them. Reassure them. They really are still babies. And thinking of them that way will help you not to be so angry at them. Try it. It’s amazing how that works.
Now, take a deep breath. Not everything I have to say is that discouraging. The biggest is, that out of my 3 older children and everybody else that has had 3 year olds and babies at the same time that I know – the age of 4 is just kind of magic. You’ve won big battles. Their bodies are settling down. Life just kind of settles. You can fight other battles now, like when to hold the door open and picking up every toy they dumped.
And let me get personal for a second. When I had my first and then my second 19 months later and knew that I wanted more I was losing my mind. Like, completely. Like I had the other day, only every day all day. Amen, Matt? And we had more than one discussion about if I couldn’t handle the 2 we already had, then we really shouldn’t be thinking of having more. And then I would go all hysterical, because who wants to feel like a bad mom, right? And who wants to hear real need-to-be-heard words from your husband? And I would say things like, “But it’s not about having more, it’s about me figuring out how to do this with the ones I have.” These were very volatile unstable times for me. (Zoloft would’ve done wonders then. I know about that too. And a mentor. Oh to have had a mentor at that time…) And recently before getting pregnant with BabyBoyBlue, when talking to a mom who has 7 kids I told her that we thought we wanted another, but not sure about SEVEN. And she said with a smile, “Just one at a time.” So true. No need to stress about the children you don’t have yet. My goodness, the ones we have are enough, right? And I also want to tell you, when you say that you’re losing it with only 2 or 3 and don’t know how I do it – well, let me tell you. First of all, you just read that I do have those days where I don’t know how I do it. But also, you must know, I have an almost 8 year old – that does dishes, laundry, remembers things I can’t, watches the others, helps cook, reads, knows how to swim, cleans, and plays well with others – and all because he wants to most of the time. Really. Dwell on that for a second. Can you imagine? I couldn’t have 4 years ago. And I have a six year old that is only a couple of steps behind that. And then I have a 4 year old – just out of that 3 year old stage. Three of my four children buckle and unbuckle themselves, wipe themselves, get their own drinks. And a 2 year old. The one that keeps me on my toes right now. Did you get that? I mainly still only have 1 or 2 that are overwhelming. The same 2 that you have. I just have a couple of older kids that help me out now. See the difference? It’s not always that easy. Obviously. Or I might not have breakdowns. But I’m telling you, hold on. Your day is coming.
Whether you should have more? That’s between you and your husband. I’m just saying your children won’t always be the age they are right now. Heraclitus said, “You cannot step twice into the same river.” It’s true. Today will magically change and next year you’ll wonder where that baby is that you once had constant battles with. Just as you wonder the same thing right now looking at that big 3 year old boy that just a blink ago was the sweet age of your younger child. It all flows. It’s all a season.
July 19th, 2009 I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was trying out a frugal menu and that I would update with recipes when I saw just how it would all work out.
After this week’s big shopping trip we’ve now begun week 3 of frugality. This is not easy on the kiddos or the hubby after eating all those yummy packaged foods for nearly 2 trimesters, but now that I’m feeling more up to cooking I figured it was time to get back to it. After all, I was doing pretty well with cooking days and money-saving menus, but with tax returns and throwing up – that all fell by the wayside. I’m back, baby! The first thing I did was go to my cabinets and see what I had left in the way of meals. Then I went to The Hillbilly Housewife’s site and started making out a menu and printing out recipes for my binder – this way I wasn’t running back and forth to the computer through the week, I could plan ahead by looking at my binder when I needed to soak beans overnight or set meat in the fridge to thaw. Then I went back to my cabinets to see what I already had that the recipes called for. Lastly, I made a grocery list of what I needed. We ate heartily for 2 weeks for under $175 worth of groceries.
When I get home from shopping I give everybody bananas or something as easy to munch on while I put away the cold stuff. All meat goes into the fridge until my brain is working again the next day and I can figure out what I’ll need when and what I should freeze. All non-perishables sit right there on the counters driving me crazy until the next day. I have no energy, time, or will power to do anything about it on shopping day. The day after shopping this time, I separated a 5 pound tube of ground beef into 2 pounds for meatloaf and 3 to brown. I immediately mixed up the meatloaf and left it in the bread pan (for form) until the next day when I was ready to cook it for dinner. I let the browned ground beef cool in a bowl in the fridge so that I could separate it into individual pounds and freeze for future meals.
The bacon I bought this time was the 3 pound pack of bits and pieces. Not what we’re used to eating, but much cheaper. I throw the whole pack into a big deep skillet and cook it all at once. I pour off all the grease into a mason jar for seasoning other meals later. We eat for breakfast the first meal and I save the second batch for BLT’s.
Almost all of our milk, eggs, cheese, cereal and juice comes from WIC. If you’re not already partaking – I definitely suggest you look into it. It’s a fairly uninvasive simple process and more people with higher incomes than you would expect qualify. If one of your family members works – then you’re already paying for this service in your State withholdings. And can I just add – you don’t even have to go to the health unit in your own home county. This was important to me and not necessarily advertised.
Here’s what we ate, the best I can remember!
The last two weeks’ menu:
Breakfasts
Bacon or Sausage, Biscuits, Gravy, Eggs, Jelly
Muffins – This time we used those little $1 packaged muffins (we had some packs left over from the last shopping trip)
Cereal (from WIC)
Pancakes (made with Bisquick from a previous shopping trip)
Fried lunchmeat sandwiches (complete with lettuce from the garden, tomatoes, and melty cheese – I made extra and sent in lunches for Matt)
Fried hot dog wienies
Bananas
Pumpkin Bread
Lunches
Mostly leftovers from previous dinners, macaroni & cheese boxes, peanut butter & jelly sandwiches, and hot dogs
Dinners
I discovered a gem of a site called Hillbilly Housewife where I got a slew of frugal recipes. I hit their crockpot section hard since it’s summer and that keeps my kitchen cooler. Plus, it allows dinner prep to be cut by a huge margin allowing for as much swim time as we want when Daddy gets home each day.
I will link the original recipes straight to the site and add any changes here that I made.
Black-eyed peas, Cornbread, Fried Garden Veggies
Meatloaf
Spaghetti – I use 2 cans of the dollar sauce from the store. We had extra sauce and not enough noodles this time, so I saved the sauce for a repeat spaghetti dinner this week.
Bacon, Lettuce, Tomato Sandwiches – I used the bacon that was left over from breakfast.
Chicken Taco Soup
Minestrone Soup w/Bread – eh. It was good, I liked it, the others could’ve left it. In fact, it’s one of the few things
Crockpot Country Steak, Rice, Green Beans – beans were canned. I always drain off the water from the beans, pour into a pot, cover with fresh water, add salt, bacon grease, pepper, and some frozen onions. We really liked this one. Will be added to the frequent rotation.
Chicken Alfredo with Garlic Steamed Veggies – Frozen boneless chicken breasts, slow cooked in the crockpot with 2 jars of pre-made Alfredo sauce over off-brand fettucine noodles served with frozen veggies in a bag – just followed directions.
Crockpot Swiss Steak over Egg Noodles with leftover green beans – Yum. The kids eat this up.
Creamy Pork Chops over rice with Candied Carrots – the kiddos were not as wild about the candied carrots as I had hoped. I really liked them, but that won’t push this over to the routine rotation. Same with the pork chops. Boneless probably would’ve made a difference, but I went cheap and we just weren’t crazy about them.
Hamburgers – I alternate between buying the pre-made cheesy bacon burgers (6 to a pack – feeds each of us one burger – I serve them in halves and the little ones can eat what they want – usually have leftovers we can munch on for snacks the next day.
Crockpot French Dip Roast – We LOVE this. We altered the serving of it a bit – my mother-in-law makes these and I love the way she serves them. We use sub rolls or philly rolls. Toast the insides in a hot skillet, when toasted, flip, put mayo on the insides, with the sliced roast and slices of cheese (we love mozzarella best, but use whatever we have), put the sandwich together and squish it flat with a spatula. The goal is to make it all melted together and flatter than a pancake. We slice them in halves or thirds and serve with the au jus that is dipped off the roast. If we have leftovers we stick them in the fridge and microwave them the next day for breakfast, lunch, or snacks. We love just as much the next day.
Red Beans & Rice – surprisingly to me, everyone loved this. Well, BigMan was not so interested, but everyone else ate it up. I also used turkey smoked sausage instead of ground sausage.
Snacks
Frozen Yeast Rolls – same as the loaves of bread I’ve mentioned before. Set them out in the morning, let them rise, bake just before you’re ready to eat.
Boiled Eggs – we all like ‘em sliced in halves with salt and pepper.
Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches
Yogurt – I buy the big off-brand container of strawberry and serve half at one snack time and half at another. No waste, unlike the little cups and much cheaper.
Fried Garden Veggies
Lunchmeat
Blueberry Yogurt Smoothies – Bought the big off-brand container of plain yogurt, added frozen blueberries, a little milk and blended.
Leftover biscuits toasted with jelly
Popcorn – we buy the bag of kernels for about $1, we use about a cup at a time (makes a HUGE pot), pop on the stove with a little oil and we add the yellow popcorn salt that we bought in the huge container at Sam’s for about $4.
I’m sure I’ve left out a few things since it’s been a couple of weeks, but this just about covers it. We ate out twice using coupons we had saved – that totaled about $10 a meal for our family of 6. We had friends over for the 4th of July and they brought hot dogs, chips, and cookies – we supplied unlimited lemonade (Country Time in the big container) and cheese dip. I had saved half the block of Velveeta and bought an extra bag of chips from the Chicken Taco Soup Recipe in anticipation of making cheese dip.
I had also planned for more meals than we ended up needing. So, when payday came around we still had several meals on hand and no pressure to get to the store immediately. We didn’t make any in-between trips this time other than for WIC (which is amazing for us). I had bought fresh apples, bananas, and grapes, some frozen blueberries, had juice from WIC, and had bought a can of pineapples, a can of peaches, and a jar of applesauce for back-up fruit as the 2 weeks wore on. I bought 2 loaves of bread, some hot dog buns, and a pack of hamburger buns, a frozen bag of biscuits, and those frozen rolls. I discovered this was not enough bread. I adjusted this last time. I keep all the fresh bread in the bottom drawer of the fridge to keep it fresh for the full pay period.
Food bill this 2 weeks – $166.00.
I hope this helps your family and confidence.
And that you are just as blessed by this verse as I was:
And having food and clothing, we will be content with that.
- 1 Timothy 6:8
July 16th, 2009 Today was one of those days. One where I yelled more than I smiled. Cried more than I hugged. Got more accomplished at more of a price. One of those days that I truly doubted why I would have so many kids. And how I think I’m capable of raising children. One of those days that I wonder what havoc having another child will wreak upon my other children, not to mention the new one. One of those days when I feel like everything I do is just wrong.
I got up and began cleaning the house. Innocent enough. And got my children involved. Responsible enough. It is their mess, after all. But it never is as calm as you would think. And the dragging of their little feet when supposed to be cleaning begins to wear on me. When I don’t clean, none of it matters much until it’s so cluttered that I get edgy. When I do clean I notice every little infraction and every filthy food smudge on the walls, the chairs, the floor, the couches, the everywhere. I get more upset by the dumping of yet another glass of water (or pitcher of juice as the case may be) than when the house is already a wreck.
In addition to the need to clean today, I decided today was the day for haircuts. Why? Why do I make such stellar decisions? I marched the children out into the 97 degree heat and the near 100 percent humidity to cut their hair. On the porch. Remember how it sounded so romantic that I trim my sweet children’s hair on that porch? How our words can deceive. Today was the pudding proof. They began crying before I ever got near their little sweaty heads. They all wanted someone else to be first. They all wanted it over. Now. Before we’d begun. They began crying that the hair made them itchy before one snip was made. I began yelling about as quickly as the hair was falling. I was angry. I was hot. I was tired. I was itchy.
And as I stewed in my anger, the madness turned guilt-ridden and sad. And the doubts took hold like the watermelon vines in my garden. I’ve often thought of the quiver-full movement and of my Catholic friends. How they know they are going to have as many children as the Lord blesses them with. Though there would seem to be a burden of just how I would make it, were that my path, there seems to me that there would also be a lightening of the load. Just knowing what is laid out before you. No decision to make. No guilt to bear. As it is, we love children. We’ve made the decision to have every one of them. Consciously, and with effort (except of course, our first wonderful surprise). We knew we wanted more than one. We knew we wanted them close. We felt drawn to have them. Each time. But we doubt. Should we have another? With so many comments at the store, so many people in our personal lives that cast doubt, raise questions, and generally wonder aloud, “Why?” we turn inward and wonder, as well. We don’t talk about it openly with others most of the time. The doubt, that is. We must present a unified presence. Put on a good face. Sleep in the bed we’ve made. As a blogger, I have to consider that there are people out there who hate people like me for having so many children. Especially when it’s at least as much of a decision as it is a belief. And I’m not so sure my skin is as thick as I need it to be to stand up to the criticisms.
And today I was my harshest critic. I cried along with my children by the time I was cutting the hair of the fourth one in line. I worried that they would be warped by a mom that cut their hair as opposed to being “normal” and taking them to a salon. I worried that I pushed them too hard. Fussed too much. Didn’t really hear them enough. See them enough. I simply wasn’t enough. And never am.
The turmoil died down with the showers. They became clean, comfortable resting little people on the couch. They liked their new cuts. They smiled much. They waited eagerly for Granna and Grandaddy to show up. They showed off their new do’s. They talked about how it wouldn’t be in their eyes now as they swam. How God made his highlights in front so cool. How the shortest haircut she’s ever had shows off her earrings that match her new purse Aunt Meredith sent to her. And I breathed a little easier.
But not much. Because once you feel the accusations in a day, it’s just hard to let them go. To go forward in confidence with the decisions you’ve made, defend, and somewhere deep inside really believe. That siblings are great. That they are all blessings that have been granted us – not really chosen, no matter what our outward actions would have you believe. That large families have large blessings. That, though there are trade-offs in having lots of small children, they are good and noble trade-offs. That my intentions will be recognized. That I really do love them with all my heart. Even though my heart is sinful, broken, and so far from perfect. That my children are looking forward to a new one. That tonight TheMiddlest put his lips close to my baby-moving belly and said, “Good night, Kenaniah.” That I am, maybe, possibly, not harming my children as much as my hormone-driven brain would have me to believe. That maybe this is a season that I will look back on as too short. And, with that thought, ask for the pure and lovely images to drive out the sadness and guilt that thought brings.
When uploading the pictures from the day with my parents, I looked hard at this picture of all four of them with their new haircuts and sweet smiles.
And I thought maybe, He knows more about what I’m doing, and why, than I do. And that tonight as I fight the urge to cry myself to sleep, that He will show me His mercies anew with the rain-washed night fading into sunlight. And maybe, I won’t feel as though I’ve blown it so badly tomorrow.
July 15th, 2009 When I mentioned on Facebook the other day that I forced my children to eat peas and cornbread for dinner it brought on an unexpected discussion of cornbread. Mandy said she ate hers with mayo. Really? Here’s how we eat ours (it’s how I grew up eating it). So, how do you eat yours?
Black-eyed peas, cornbread, sliced tomato, fried squash and okra from our garden. I used dried black-eyed peas and soaked them over night. The next morning I got up, drained off the water, added more, threw some of those frozen pre-chopped onions in with some pepper, a bunch of salt and about a tablespoon of bacon grease (that I keep in a mason jar in the fridge – yes, I do) into the crockpot and cooked them til dinner time. I said I was cooking frugal, people, not healthy. When I got in from shopping I whipped up the cornbread before picking Matt up from work. I use Aunt Jemima Cornmeal Mix and follow the instructions. I heat the iron skillet in the oven with about 3 tablespoons bacon grease (yes, again with the drippin’s), while it’s melting I mix together the cornbread ingredients. When the grease is melted I whirl it around in the skillet to coat the sides and bottom and then pour the remaining into the mix. Stir quickly and pour back into the skillet, put it straight into the oven for the specified time. When it’s done I flip it out of the skillet onto a plate. I fried up the garden veggies (only squash and okra this time, though I did break down and fry the green tomatoes the other day – they were heavenly).
For the fried veggies: I mix 2 eggs and about 1/2 – 3/4 cup milk in one and about 1/2 cup flour with 1/2 cup cornmeal and a bunch of Tony’s with some salt in a second bowl. Wash and slice the veggies, dip them in the egg mixture, and then dredge them through the flour/cornmeal mixture. Using the same iron skillet from earlier, I melt enough bacon grease to cover the bottom (about 3 tablespoons again). When it’s hot I fry the veggies single layer on one side, when golden, flip over. I then sliced up a tomato and served it with salt as desired. I serve the peas over the warm cornbread, veggies on the side. For dessert we had warm cornbread with butter and jelly. All I needed to complete the meal from my childhood was some sweet tea (what was I thinkin’, not havin’ that on hand?) and buttermilk – to crumble the warm cornbread into. Mmm.. I missed out on that one this time.
My poor kids thought I was torturing them with this meal. “All we’re having is beans?” they whined. Oh, well. My southern tastes will eventually wear off on them. Or they’ll just eat heartier at breakfast. I have since discovered that they love the fried veggies with ranch dressing, particularly the green tomatoes.
We ate the beans as a side with one other meal later in the week and then I froze the rest for future soups.
July 15th, 2009 Last week the Drapers came to play. What a crazy group we make! And as Maury and I were saying – this is not even all of us – my new one on the way and two of hers were not with her. We’re a scene when we actually go into town together. We’ve been asked before if we were a daycare. Hilarious to me! I love how they all get along. Pretty amazing for all of their different personalities.
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