Y’all were so sweet as always and SO encouraging to me when I had yet another breakdown the other day. It does help to know it was in the air and that you seasoned moms still have those kind of days. It does help to know that there are other people out there that struggle in the same ways that I do. And it most assuredly helps to be reminded of the most important things.
I have to say also, that it helps to have found a couple of encouraging websites that I will be frequenting and that I will pass along to all of you.
But amidst your outpouring of support I saw a couple of things I just could not ignore. Two of you are mamas that had 2 under 2 (or even 3 under 2!) and now you’ve graduated to a new stage. Your oldest is now 3 and you have another (or 2!) little sibling(s) following that first baby around (and, yes, that big boy you have is still a baby – you just don’t feel like it). Let me stop here and give a few disclaimers. If your first child is under the age of 3 (especially if they’re 2 years old) just stop reading. Really. Bookmark it, set it to memory, or shoot me an email in a year, but stop reading. This won’t help you right now and it will be rather disheartening. Instead go here to a day that I live-blogged my 2 year old (at the time) girl. That’ll make you feel better.
Now that all those newer mamas are gone (and you have left already, right?!) let’s get down to bidness.
Three year olds are different creatures. Nobody warns you. Oh, they warn you about the terrible twos, but say nothing of the horrific threes. I, for one, was blind-sided when MyOldest turned 3. I distinctly remember calling my (then) pastor’s wife in tears and asking her if she’d ever hated her kids when they were 3. “No” she said with a laugh. I told her she was not the person that I needed to be talking to right then and promptly hung up on her. I love her, but we were not on the same page. I was obviously in the “Losing My Mind” chapter, while she had moved on to the “Got it all together with older and further spaced children” section of this parenting book.
Two year olds are exhausting. I know. I promise, I know. And somehow, you think as you celebrate that third birthday that you can breathe a sigh of relief. Especially if you already have child number 2 in tow. You have this down, you think. You know what you’re doing, you think. You’re one of those wiser seasoned moms, you think. And in some ways you are. But the dirty little secret is: the age of 3 is frightening. That child you have is not grown no matter how much more like a child and less like a baby they look. They cannot be depended on to actually do anything you want them to do. And now some of those crying fits they had at 2 are accompanied by a mouth. A whiny, bossy, know-it-all, not gonna listen to you mouth. It ain’t pretty. And the emotional upheaval they go through – oh.my.goodness. Up. Down. Way, sweet up. Horribly, terribly down. About 500 times a day. And now, when they throw that same fit they’ve been throwing in WalMart (and have never gotten away with – why, honey? do you still do it?) since they were 4 weeks old, now has words to it. Not nice words. Words that other people look at you like “Haven’t you done any raising of that child?” And they’re harder to actually handle. They’re bigger. They’re harder to pick up and set in the basket. Especially with an infant in tow. Three is hard. And it’s even harder when it’s your first. I can’t say that enough.
So, with that, a few suggestions, if I may (okay, I know just a few days ago I was having a freak out and now I’m offering advice – this is stuff I remember, people, not stuff I’m currently trying to figure out. Or you could just take it with a grain of salt and ignore me – either way – I’m gonna share).
Pick your battles. Really. Is it really important right now? All of it? Are you sure? I know you want this child to learn to open doors for people. But right now? I promise you have time to teach that kind of thing. Want to teach them to clean up after themselves? That’s noble. And other friends that have just one child or have their children spread further out, may be able to teach these kind of things right now. Good for them. It’s not your story, though. Priorities. Let’s start with basics. Don’t hit people. If yours are like mine (and if they’re not, don’t tell me, okay?) this is a big enough battle of it’s own. Pick this one. Don’t whine. This is important to me – because I may just lose my ever-lovin’ mind if you do it all day long. Don’t throw things when you’re mad. These are battles worth fighting for me. With some of mine, getting them to stay in their bed was important enough at the time. Some kids at different seasons, not so much. I mainly stick with safety (explicitly theirs or because I’ll whollop anyone who whines for the 12th hour in a day) on this age-battlefront. Now, here’s the kicker. You must win the battles that you pick. That’s why I emphasize picking very few battles. Because, really you don’t want to spend your everyday all day in fights. I did this the first time around. I didn’t know better. Don’t do it. Pick a few that rear their ugly heads, fight them tooth and nail, and win them. Know that in the midst of the battle (that could last days, weeks, or months and then actually show back up in 6 months after no sign) that it will look like you’re making absolutely no progress. “Spitting in the wind” as another seasoned mom told me one time. But then one day you’ll wake up and realize, “Huh, that’s gone, and now we’re fighting a different battle. When did that happen?”
And I have to add, potty training should not be a battle. Really. If your child had it down at 2 and suddenly has “forgotten” how to go potty in the right places, just stick a diaper or pull-up back on that child and quit fighting. If they never “got it” at 2 and are still struggling at 3 to go potty – don’t fight. This is one they’ll win. Even if it requires doctors and medication they will win it. And you’ll both lose. Let it go. They’ll decide it’s worth it at some point. Just keep offering and suggesting gently from time to time. They won’t go to college in diapers. And if they do, you have bigger problems than potty-training. Don’t pick this battle.
Slow down. You have so much time to do all those things you want to do. Trying to fit in that perfect childhood full of all these go-to-town adventures at this age is asking for you to feel inadequate. And them to get burnt out. Right now, just cocoon at home mostly and sit with those little ones. There’ll be plenty of time to do all that running and involving that you want to do.
Usually too, when you have a 3 year old and an infant or 1 year old, that older child is just now realizing they can’t send back that baby you’re holding. Or that’s pulling his hair, messing up his toys, eating his food, generally getting in the way of their “all about me” stage. Time will win this one for you. They’ll eventually see that this other kid isn’t going anywhere and that they just kind of have to adapt. And they will. It just may take a while. If they revert back to the baby stage – then baby them. Reassure them. They really are still babies. And thinking of them that way will help you not to be so angry at them. Try it. It’s amazing how that works.
Now, take a deep breath. Not everything I have to say is that discouraging. The biggest is, that out of my 3 older children and everybody else that has had 3 year olds and babies at the same time that I know – the age of 4 is just kind of magic. You’ve won big battles. Their bodies are settling down. Life just kind of settles. You can fight other battles now, like when to hold the door open and picking up every toy they dumped.
And let me get personal for a second. When I had my first and then my second 19 months later and knew that I wanted more I was losing my mind. Like, completely. Like I had the other day, only every day all day. Amen, Matt? And we had more than one discussion about if I couldn’t handle the 2 we already had, then we really shouldn’t be thinking of having more. And then I would go all hysterical, because who wants to feel like a bad mom, right? And who wants to hear real need-to-be-heard words from your husband? And I would say things like, “But it’s not about having more, it’s about me figuring out how to do this with the ones I have.” These were very volatile unstable times for me. (Zoloft would’ve done wonders then. I know about that too. And a mentor. Oh to have had a mentor at that time…) And recently before getting pregnant with BabyBoyBlue, when talking to a mom who has 7 kids I told her that we thought we wanted another, but not sure about SEVEN. And she said with a smile, “Just one at a time.” So true. No need to stress about the children you don’t have yet. My goodness, the ones we have are enough, right? And I also want to tell you, when you say that you’re losing it with only 2 or 3 and don’t know how I do it – well, let me tell you. First of all, you just read that I do have those days where I don’t know how I do it. But also, you must know, I have an almost 8 year old – that does dishes, laundry, remembers things I can’t, watches the others, helps cook, reads, knows how to swim, cleans, and plays well with others – and all because he wants to most of the time. Really. Dwell on that for a second. Can you imagine? I couldn’t have 4 years ago. And I have a six year old that is only a couple of steps behind that. And then I have a 4 year old – just out of that 3 year old stage. Three of my four children buckle and unbuckle themselves, wipe themselves, get their own drinks. And a 2 year old. The one that keeps me on my toes right now. Did you get that? I mainly still only have 1 or 2 that are overwhelming. The same 2 that you have. I just have a couple of older kids that help me out now. See the difference? It’s not always that easy. Obviously. Or I might not have breakdowns. But I’m telling you, hold on. Your day is coming.
Whether you should have more? That’s between you and your husband. I’m just saying your children won’t always be the age they are right now. Heraclitus said, “You cannot step twice into the same river.” It’s true. Today will magically change and next year you’ll wonder where that baby is that you once had constant battles with. Just as you wonder the same thing right now looking at that big 3 year old boy that just a blink ago was the sweet age of your younger child. It all flows. It’s all a season.
