it’s that time again. time to look inward. test yourselves. be uncomfortable. get dirty. take chances.
let’s start with me.
i judge poor people. not the starving kids in africa, c’mon. i mean the people in the trailer parks. why do they keep having kids? why do i have to pay for them to be on government assistance? why do they have spiderman sheets for curtains? why does their baby have no clothes on and an overly full diaper? why are they overweight when they say they’re so poor? why does their hair look like that? just wash it occasionally. and do you have no fashion sense? it doesn’t take that much money to not look like that. and why don’t they do something about their condition? get up. get a job. it’s america. we all had the opportunity to get loans and go to college. it’s their fault they’re living like that. and why on earth don’t they care?
i grew up middle to upper class. with a grand sense of entitlement. and a very strong belief that you make your own life.
and then the other day i stood teary-eyed holding my baby in the line at the grocery store getting ready to write a check on an account that didn’t have enough money to cover it trying to beat the entergy guy who had just come to my house and with that look in his eye said he’d give me thirty minutes to go pay the bill so that he wouldn’t have to shut off the electricity of a woman and her four children who were just a little too dirty.
my hair looks like this because when you run out of pantene shampoo you use suave and when you’re close to running out of that you start thinking about bar soap to wash your hair. and who has $20 for a cute cut when milk is almost $5 a gallon? and i think i would have fashion sense if i had the money to go shopping. the toddler’s not wearing any clothes while playing in the yard because she’s only going to get dirty, she’ll want to change them 500 more times and we’re running low on laundry detergent. and that diaper? well, we only have about 4 left and we need to make it till tomorrow when we get paid and i don’t want her sitting in the dirt naked, so i let it go a little longer than i would like. and i’m a little overweight because cruddy foods are cheaper than fruit and all that whole-grain stuff. and it’s not a good place to go walking around here and i can’t afford the gas it takes to drive to the track to go walking. the yard looks like white trash because the half-working mower is on the other half side right now. it’s not that we’re just that lazy.
how did i get here? i’m a go-getter. my husband went to college. twice. actually holds 2 degrees. one from a presitigious liberal arts college. and we make right around the state poverty level. no, if you’re wondering, we’re not on any government assistance (except arkids medical, i love my kids too much to not) – we’ve been there for 3 years and felt convicted to cut all those programs loose. so when the water company woman tells me in that voice, “no, ma’am” to an extension and you have more real connecting conversation with the elderly man who’s wearing dirty clothes also standing in line at the quick pay center for entergy than with the mom at church that you try to talk to and get the very clear “i’m not comfortable talking to you” vibe you begin to look inward.
we have searched. we have prayed. we have confessed our sins of irresponsibility from when we first got married. but confession and forgiveness don’t eliminate consequences. and so here we are waiting for the trip into the promised land. and we hope that we will be the ones chosen to see it because of our belief, not just our children delivered from poorness because of our unbelief and fear. we sinned (we lived very wildly and godlessly while making almost twice what we make now with nothing to pay except utilities and debt and didn’t do it). we turned back to God. we spent time in bondage living as slaves eating leeks by the river (lived with my parents not having our own home while they paid for matt to go back to school – and ate heartily on the government food stamp dole). we have now been delivered into the wilderness. and we eat manna. and don’t get me wrong. we are so thankful for all the “christmas miracles” and the daily bread He provides. but it doesn’t keep my sinful nature from crying out to Him to be delivered from my daily dependence on Him. because let’s get real. who really wants to have to depend on Him from moment to moment? don’t you want enough money in the bank to pay the bills? don’t you want enough food in your cabinets for your next week’s worth of meals?
we pray fairly constantly asking Him to show us any disobedience that might be keeping us here. trying to make sure it is a testing of obedience and not a continuance of disobedience.
so having said all of this, i’d like to address some issues that i’ve had with poor people.
respect – my husband deserves your respect. and has mine heartily. he has worked nights, jobs he’s hated, humbled himself to mow yards, he’s laid ceramic tile. he’s humbled himself to submit himself and his family to another’s authority (while living with my parents) instead of his own authority. he’s eaten his pride in order to allow my father to put him through college in order to try to provide better for us. he has continued to look for jobs that offer more. he continues to go on job interviews. we pray over each of these. and know that God is closing or opening each of them.
wisdom with money – we do not make frivolous decisions with our money or our lives. we have gone down the path of not tithing “because we don’t have enough” and out of obedience are now tithing in spite of not having enough. we do not have the option of bankruptcy even if we wanted to. we don’t have credit cards. on purpose. our debt is medical debt and the van and the house. oh, yeah, and $50,000 in school loans.
laziness – we are not lazy. my husband works all day all week to not have enough money come payday to pay the bills.
too many babies – we have had each of these babies prayerfully. except our first who was God’s surprise to us. the others we felt very convicted to have or at least not hinder having. just as we feel very convicted to not have any more right now.
superfluous spending – we have had dishnetwork. we had hoped we would have enough to support it. and i’ve learned that sometimes you’re so broke for so long that you have to live life in the meantime. because it might not be different. ever. but we are now tvless. and will soon be internetless. as we will be without phones soon. we are attempting to cut everything in order to afford car insurance, electricity, the van and the house. for the first time in my life i am some concerned about being homeless. really. matt assures me this will not happen. and yet i find myself rethinking my views on homelessness.
you deserve what you get – people do not always deserve their poverty. ask the kids in africa.
and speaking of them, i am learning that my poorness is not true poverty. because each time that i wallow in self-pity and covetousness i am reminded of the liberian children that becky g. is waiting to have as her own.
we don’t want your pity. i have enough of my own that i’m trying to shed already. we don’t want your money – for the money is never enough. we don’t want you to fish for us. we want to be taught to fish. we are waiting upon the Lord. we will accept your prayers and we’ll even take any job offers you have. just know that we will pray about them and accept or decline not based on money, but by the Lord’s urging.
and please don’t read me wrong. we are bountifully blessed. the kinds of blessings that the Bible talks of. if you are diligent you will be blessed. just not always monetarily. my blessings are at work right now and running around like heathens. and the manna, somehow, is always here. as is my sin nature of complaining.
and today in 3 different places God placed before me matthew 7:9-12. “Or what man is there among you who when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! In everything, therefore, treat people the same way you want them to treat you, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” i know how i want to buy up all of toys-r-us every birthday for my babies. how much more… and yet i struggle.
God has allowed me to go through these things for many reasons. but one of them that stings the most is that He has made me question so many things that i once believed. that if you want it you can achieve it. that if you are homeless you deserve it. that if you are poor you are lazy. yes, proverbs talks of truths that are true wisdom. and laziness is tied to poverty. but they are not absolutes. because, as we all know, the evil sometimes do prosper – for a time. and laziness does bring about poverty. but poverty is not always the result of laziness. just ask Job.
so, who do you judge?
be careful who you judge lest you be judged. remove the log from your own eye. and forgive that you may be forgiven. be content whether in need or abundance.
these are lessons i’m learning.
