my honey’s gone out with a friend tonight and all the babies are sleeping peacefully.  i’m only a tv fiend when i have him to watch with me.  so, unfortunately, that leaves me lots of quiet time to think.  it’s unfortunate because i’m not used to it.  the peace is good, but lonely.  sure, there are lots of things i could be doing – laundry, dishes, picking up, studying the Word, reading, resting, but i just don’t really feel like doing any of them.  i actually sat down to work on my header and started going back through old pics to see if i wanted to use any of them and was floored.  we got the camera last winter and i was amazed at how much the kids have changed in a few short months.  and how much everything has changed – the move, the van, the pregnancy, my mental state, starting homeschooling.  and the word that kept coming to mind was “how?”  how am i so blessed?  how did we get here?  how have they gotten so big?  how have i not noticed?  they’re all so beautiful.  and i’m finally so at peace with my parenting (even with all my mistakes).  i look at my 5 year old and wonder how his early years were filled with such turmoil.  how he came through it.  and how i came through it.  and how much more innocent he is now.  i’ve finally allowed him to be a kid.  to just be little.  and how he’s succeeded at that.  i look at my 4 year old and wonder how my baby has become my second oldest.  how has he lost even the look of my baby?  and how did i miss so much of his babyhood being so stressed out?  he’s so tender.  and how has my only daughter grown hair in 5 months?  how have her looks changed so much and yet her personality hasn’t budged a bit from this day or this one?  how do i have an only daughter?  how have i been graced with such great little men and one beautiful little lady?  and my newest little one.  i was just pregnant with him.  he was just born.  he was just wrinkly.  how has he gotten so big so quickly.  all of the wiser parents that have seen their little ones fly off always say, “don’t blink or they’ll be gone.  they grow up before you know it.”  and although i’ve always embraced this i hadn’t lived it yet.  and now, here i’ve gone and blinked.

yeah, so the other day i dropped this little bomb and never shared anything more.  partly because my husband’s been doing web design and i have to fight for my spot at the ‘puter and partly because i was awaiting my sanity to return.  and, as i was daily running through my head how i would blog about this and what words i would say (yes, sadly, i do this often) i ran across this.  oh. my. goodness.  thank you, Father, once again, for helping me out.  please go to that last link and read what she has to say about her struggles with sanity and how they relate to her relationship with Christ.  i’ve talked some about this before, yes, i think some issues with depression can only be treated with prayer.  and if you don’t have a daily dialogue with your Jesus then you probably should, and this alone could be your problem.  (ooh, look at all those toesies i’m steppin’ on.  hang with me here.)  and if you do talk to Him and your relationship is solid have you asked Him to search you and try you and show you where you could use some help?  are there areas in your past that could be brought to light and fixed?  are you putting the proverbial bandaid on a hemmorhage that you’ve chosen to ignore?  then a few meds aren’t gonna help.  really.  go get alone with your God and then find a competent therapist.  none of these apply?  then look at your circumstances – do you just need to have a good cry – is your life that crappy right now that you deserve to be down for awhile?  then do it.

and if none of these apply – which is where i am – then accept a little help.  and know that God is in the wilderness with you.  know that even biblically there are several kinds of downness.  there’s elijah’s depression that was very legitimate – read about it here.  there’s job’s issues that were definitely not his fault – his story’s here.  and there was jonah who brought his miseries on himself and needed to have a heart to heart with his God before is troubles would get better – his prayer for salvation is here.  and then there’s paul.  a good man.  fighting a good fight.  asking for help.  and the cup being handed back.  (his plea is here.)  if you’re dealing with issues, you’re not alone.  and if it’s too big for you to deal with get help.  with no shame.

which brings me to…  me.  i was doing pretty good.  i thought.  and my hubby was so gracious as to not say, “you’re getting crazier by the day, woman.”  but last friday i looked around at the devastation on the faces of my children left from my screaming.  and i recognized the look of fear that came from not knowing when mama was going to yell at them next.  and i lost it.  this is not a new place for me to be.  this started out an accountability blog with one of my very first posts.  (and one of my bestest friends was on the road driving an hour and a half trip to keep my kids so that i could go get my medicine before she even asked if i wanted her to.  how do i have these kind of friends?)  so, do the meds take away all of my problems?  no.  i still have to work on being accountable for my actions.  i still have to be aware of my frustrations and anger.  i still have to work on self-control.  and discipline.  but when i do work on them now, i have the ability to succeed.  and i’m not feeling quite so crazy these days.  and my children look as though they can worry about the things that they should be worrying about – like why did he get a purple popsicle and all i got was a blue one.  and their mama is SO glad to have that kind of conflict fill the house again.