if you have the ability to watch this please, please, please watch!

it’s a good one, not a sad one.  i’m always leery of youtube links, but it’s uplifting.  it made me cry-y in a good way.

which makes me think.  this has been nagging me for a while.  where is my joy?  i love the kiddos and they bring me joy.  and i’m enjoying stuff, but overall the prevailing feeling is one of numbness.  and this blog is not called “numbchaos”.  what’s the dealio?  just one of the things that God has used to bring this to my attention is a new country song by trace adkins.  here are just a few of the lyrics:

If you’re tellin me I’m not on fire
You’re just preachin’ to the choir
I’ve gotten dull as old barbed wire from livin’
Last night I watched the evening news
It was the same ol’ nothin’ new
It should have cut me right in two
But it didn’t
I don’t know why it didn’t

But I wanna feel somethin’
Somethin’ thats a real somethin’
That moves me, that proves to me I’m still alive
I wanna heart that beats and bleeds
A heart that’s bustin’ at the seams
I wanna care, I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I just wanna feel somethin’

If you’re tellin’ me that’s just how it is
I don’t buy it ’cause once I was kissed
By a red-headed girl with cherry lips
On her porch when I was sixteen
And I felt it somewhere in my soul and time stood still and I couldn’t let go
I can’t tell you ’cause I dont know how I got so cold
When did I get so cold

[Chorus:]
I just wanna feel somethin’
Somethin’ that’s a real somethin’
That moves me, that proves to me I’m still alive

this made me feel cold.  and then i took note of the coldness and wondered why.  and pushed it aside – i’ve got too much going to think about it.  and then my honey mentioned this song out of the blue the other day.  and said it had the same effect on him.  and then we went no further, because we had other things goin’, you know – the kids needed something and there were other things to surface talk about.  and then God is good posted this youtube.  days ago.  and i refused to watch it.  and then i did.  and i cried.  and i felt the tugging again.

also, the zoloft i alluded to earlier.  i randomly came across a site while skipping around the other day and she talked all about not needing anti-depressants.  how did i get to that site?  what happened?  why did i find myself reading it and feeling weird about it?  don’t get me wrong.  i still absolutely believe in them – i’m just saying it was yet another message for me.  and then my medicaid dropped.  and i found myself suddenly out of zoloft and freaking out about it.  and then i prayed.  and got ready for a tidal wave.  but it didn’t come.  and i felt a small still voice saying that maybe i should feel something.  and that for me for right now that maybe i should rely on Him and feel something even if it ain’t grand.

and at church we’re doing a study of jonah.  ok, read our “about” page that was written years ago.  and something the pastor said stung me in my numbness.  how much will it take to get your attention before something drastic has to?  i’ve been to drastic.  i don’t wanna go again.  fish vomit ain’t no fun.  and that nagging was there again.

and i’ve been following a great friend’s faith journey.  and living the joy through her life.  and watching God’s hand on her life in tangible ways.  and i remember that touch.  and the nagging again.

i remember feeling.  and what’s ridiculous is that His hand is still moving everything in my life.  amazing blessings.  all the time.  and some are big enough for me to still see even in my blindness – the house, the van, our newest sweetie, miracle checks just when we need the money.  but i know from past experience that my life is overflowing with the smaller ones and i’m just not seeing them.  and i want to see.  i want to feel.  i miss Him.  like in any relationship you can stay so close you know all the nuances of that person and you can drift a little and it not matter much – you still see them occasionally and then there are the times that you slowly let that friend drift – you just don’t call today because it’s crazy and then you can’t make your weekly visit because the car has a flat and you’ll see ‘em next week anyway and then you wonder where your friend is and why it’s awkward when you do find the time to call.  and the awkwardness keeps you from calling the next time you think of them.  and then they’re gone.  and you’ve moved on.  and miss them.  but not enough to get up out of your comfort.  i miss Him like that.  i remember when our relationship was that tangible.  and i miss Him.  i don’t just want to recapture that closeness to avoid the fish vomit – i want to hold His hand.  i want to laugh with abandon.  i want to cry freely.  i want to engage.

and so i begin this journey.  of seeking.  of knocking.  and i know He’ll answer.  because He’s just like that.  and i’ll keep you posted.  because maybe, just maybe, i’m not alone here.  and i could really use some friends for the journey back to Him.  wanna come?  ’cause I know Him well enough to know it’s fixin’ to be a wild ride.  and i’m ready for a little wildness.  because He’s not a tame lion, you know.