6 days ago i posted this.
6 days.
and on that day i prayed with an earnestness that i haven’t prayed with in so long. a praying that when i woke up from my nap later that day i was emotionally spent.
and i’ve felt more. really i have. i’ve actually cried and laughed.
i’ve seen some uplifting stuff and i’ve felt it.
i had a horrible, no good, very bad day saturday and i bawled. at the very end of that day i sat on my porch (accidentally locked out of my house - my husband had the van and 3 big kids in little rock) with my infant and i just cried. and i called jill and cried some more. and in the midst of feeling sorry for myself i could recognize that it wasn’t a crisis – i told her that i knew we’d be okay until pearl got home because i nurse my littlest so he had all he needed to eat and even if i didn’t have diapers and wipes with me it would be okay because i had stepped in the septic funk in our back yard (i told you had a bad day) and the inevitable pee and poop would all just blend together. i had all he needed and just maybe i needed to sit on the porch and wallow for a while.
(side note – some of you know we’ve struggled with having enough money forever. and lately i’ve been praying for “enough”. just enough to meet all of our bills and pay off debt.)
and then i went to church sunday. and He held my hand. (hang with me through the details because, i promise, it’s worth it.) we’ve been thinking about going to the edge service – another service on the campus of fellowship that is more of the emergent church style. last week i met a girl from there and she told me i could take my baby with me. so sunday morning my husband says, “let’s go to the edge this week.” i get in there and the first song we sing is:
“More Than Enough”
You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know.
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know.
And all of you
Is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough
and i look around and think, “are you kiddin’ me?”
and the image of me on the porch with my baby in my arms came back mysteriously and with clarity. and my own words rang in my ears. “and i’ve got everything he needs so it’ll be alright. and i should learn something from him because while i’m bawling he’s smiling up at me.” i have everything he needs. and he’s not worried. he trusts me to take care of him with his whole little being – even when my tears are falling on his little chest – he smiles. because he knows i’ll take care of all the messes he makes and i’ll feed him when he needs it. and i realize with the gentle words He sang to me that i already have enough. and that He’s been waiting for me all along. and that just as i suspected He answered. and His hand was directing everything. even in the crummy day i had He was waiting to use it to dazzle me. and just because He can – He then went on and wowed me right out of my seat…
they ended the service today with the video clip of peter battling the white witch from chronicles of narnia where aslan says “it is finished.”
He is certainly not a tame lion. and i love Him for it.
