OnlineResources »

homeschool lurkers and anyone else with any great ideas -

i’m going to start teaching spanish.  you know, to my 5,4, & 2 year olds.  plus my infant, ’cause you never can start too early ;).  oh, yeah, while we’re at it i should probably learn it too.

so, i need input on curriculum.  i don’t want the $200 stuff - i’m not moving to mexico.  they’re all 5 and under for goodness sakes.  and i don’t want to impress everybody with the “look what i’m teaching my kids.  na na na na na.”  i just want to start early, feel very much that we should be learning it (i miss lupita more than you can imagine - for those of you wondering), and am so excited about teaching it.  i just don’t know anything beyond the days of the week and whatever dora’s currently teaching.  (and lemme tell ya how proud of myself i am for knowing that!)

so, please let me know.  brandy’s gonna let me borrow a computer program.  and i don’t know - that may be all i need.  but i’d love to hear if you have any that you’re SO excited about.  (and while you’re at it, feel free to let me know about anything else you’re SO excited about.  i need some more excitement in my life - it’s so quiet and dull around here.   yeah, dull, that’s what i’d call the parker house.  dull.)

Much O' Nothin' »

back to the weight-loss thing.

i’m still determined.

i’ve eaten better since my resolve.

now i will add drinking water to the dreaded chore of losing weight. 

i hate water.  HATE it.  with a passion.  yes, i’ve tried adding lemon.  nothing helps unless you add coffee grounds and run it through a filter.

so i made a sticker chart.  yes, for me.  i’ve been a mom of preschoolers too long.  my goal is 8 smiley faces a day.  and in order to accomplish that goal i have to stand by the fridge, fill my glass with water, and slam it like it’s a double shot of jagermeister.  none of the pleasure, none of the guilt.

Somethin' »

6 days ago i posted this.

6 days.

and on that day i prayed with an earnestness that i haven’t prayed with in so long.  a praying that when i woke up from my nap later that day i was emotionally spent. 

and i’ve felt more.  really i have.  i’ve actually cried and laughed. 

i’ve seen some uplifting stuff and i’ve felt it. 

i had a horrible, no good, very bad day saturday and i bawled.  at the very end of that day i sat on my porch (accidentally locked out of my house - my husband had the van and 3 big kids in little rock) with my infant and i just cried.  and i called jill and cried some more.  and in the midst of feeling sorry for myself i could recognize that it wasn’t a crisis - i told her that i knew we’d be okay until pearl got home because i nurse my littlest so he had all he needed to eat and even if i didn’t have diapers and wipes with me it would be okay because i had stepped in the septic funk in our back yard (i told you had a bad day) and the inevitable pee and poop would all just blend together.  i had all he needed and just maybe i needed to sit on the porch and wallow for a while.

(side note - some of you know we’ve struggled with having enough money forever.  and lately i’ve been praying for “enough”.  just enough to meet all of our bills and pay off debt.)

and then i went to church sunday.  and He held my hand.  (hang with me through the details because, i promise, it’s worth it.)  we’ve been thinking about going to the edge service - another service on the campus of fellowship that is more of the emergent church style.  last week i met a girl from there and she told me i could take my baby with me.  so sunday morning my husband says, “let’s go to the edge this week.”  i get in there and the first song we sing is:

“More Than Enough”

You are my supply
My breath of life
Still more awesome than I know.
You are my reward
Worth living for
Still more awesome than I know.

And all of you
Is more than enough for all of me
For every thirst and every need
You satisfy me with your love
And all I have in you is more than enough

and i look around and think, “are you kiddin’ me?”

and the image of me on the porch with my baby in my arms came back mysteriously and with clarity.  and my own words rang in my ears.  “and i’ve got everything he needs so it’ll be alright.  and i should learn something from him because while i’m bawling he’s smiling up at me.”  i have everything he needs.  and he’s not worried.  he trusts me to take care of him with his whole little being - even when my tears are falling on his little chest - he smiles.  because he knows i’ll take care of all the messes he makes and i’ll feed him when he needs it.  and i realize with the gentle words He sang to me that i already have enough.  and that He’s been waiting for me all along.  and that just as i suspected He answered.  and His hand was directing everything.  even in the crummy day i had He was waiting to use it to dazzle me.  and just because He can  - He then went on and wowed me right out of my seat…

they ended the service today with the video clip of peter battling the white witch from chronicles of narnia where aslan says “it is finished.”

He is certainly not a tame lion.  and i love Him for it.      

HeSays »

my honey was watching kindergarten cop this morning (that alone is for a whole other post) and my husband calls me in to say, “hey, watch this for a minute.  he’s doing an impression of you.”

TheySay »

we prayed at dinner tonight.  and as usual my second son said he wanted to pray first.  and my girl too.  and they end up battling because my 4 year old gets started and the 2 year old joins right in.  we finished praying and were talking and my son said, “wait, i need to tell God one more thing.” 

“God, you are the only God.”

Understanding »

all four children are sleeping.  and i’m not holding any of them.

this is further amazing because my babiest is in our room in the bassinet.  our girl is spending her first night in her own big girl bed in her own room.  the boys, although they each have a bunk, are asleep in the same bed together.  and my oldest cried when i moved his sister to the other room tonight.  he didn’t want to be without her. 

we’ve talked for awhile about letting our daughter have her own pink girly room.  and our newest will eventually move into the crib that is in the boys’ room.  we’ll eventually decorate their rooms all cutesy.  i’m excited for them!  and for me in this very moment.  and i so deserve it.  today was a day.  my babiest cried today all day.  all day.  no consoling him.  and when i had dressed my girl for the 500th time and had to wash her again after getting into the weed killer - that was it.  i walked into the laundry and screamed at the top of my lungs.  today was the first day i’ve completely broken down after giving birth.  and that’s a big deal - with the first 3 there were frequent times that i felt absolutely swamped.  i lived in overwhelmed land.  and somehow, like i’ve said before, the more kiddos i’ve had the easier it’s gotten.  crazy, isn’t it?  anyway, today i screamed.  amazingly not at anybody just about everybody.  and then i got over it.  that’s also a fairly big deal because i used to not be able to get over it and have a good day afterwards. 

so, here’s to peacefully sleeping babies and a mama that’s ever so thankful.   

TheKiddos »

TheKiddos »

Art »

yesterday we made playdough out of salt, flour, and water.  and then we added food coloring and glitter and sequins and whatever we could find to add a little bling!  they did so good!  my oldest’s is “humpty dumpty sat on a wall”, my middlest’s is “run, run fast as you can.  you can’t catch me i’m the gingerbread man”, and my girl’s is “my heart…da-y.” (my heart belongs to daddy - she has this saying on some jammies and says it every time she sees a heart!)  i love that she stuck the star inside the heart.  and that my 4year old’s man is really running.  and that my 5 year old, as with everything, took so much care to make it “just right.”  and i also love that it took 5 minutes to prep this project, 5 minutes to clean up after, and 2 hours of uninterrupted entertainment.  2 hours!

Somethin' »

if you have the ability to watch this please, please, please watch!

it’s a good one, not a sad one.  i’m always leery of youtube links, but it’s uplifting.  it made me cry-y in a good way.

which makes me think.  this has been nagging me for a while.  where is my joy?  i love the kiddos and they bring me joy.  and i’m enjoying stuff, but overall the prevailing feeling is one of numbness.  and this blog is not called “numbchaos”.  what’s the dealio?  just one of the things that God has used to bring this to my attention is a new country song by trace adkins.  here are just a few of the lyrics:

If you’re tellin me I’m not on fire
You’re just preachin’ to the choir
I’ve gotten dull as old barbed wire from livin’
Last night I watched the evening news
It was the same ol’ nothin’ new
It should have cut me right in two
But it didn’t
I don’t know why it didn’t

But I wanna feel somethin’
Somethin’ thats a real somethin’
That moves me, that proves to me I’m still alive
I wanna heart that beats and bleeds
A heart that’s bustin’ at the seams
I wanna care, I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I just wanna feel somethin’

If you’re tellin’ me that’s just how it is
I don’t buy it ’cause once I was kissed
By a red-headed girl with cherry lips
On her porch when I was sixteen
And I felt it somewhere in my soul and time stood still and I couldn’t let go
I can’t tell you ’cause I dont know how I got so cold
When did I get so cold

[Chorus:]
I just wanna feel somethin’
Somethin’ that’s a real somethin’
That moves me, that proves to me I’m still alive

this made me feel cold.  and then i took note of the coldness and wondered why.  and pushed it aside - i’ve got too much going to think about it.  and then my honey mentioned this song out of the blue the other day.  and said it had the same effect on him.  and then we went no further, because we had other things goin’, you know - the kids needed something and there were other things to surface talk about.  and then God is good posted this youtube.  days ago.  and i refused to watch it.  and then i did.  and i cried.  and i felt the tugging again.

also, the zoloft i alluded to earlier.  i randomly came across a site while skipping around the other day and she talked all about not needing anti-depressants.  how did i get to that site?  what happened?  why did i find myself reading it and feeling weird about it?  don’t get me wrong.  i still absolutely believe in them - i’m just saying it was yet another message for me.  and then my medicaid dropped.  and i found myself suddenly out of zoloft and freaking out about it.  and then i prayed.  and got ready for a tidal wave.  but it didn’t come.  and i felt a small still voice saying that maybe i should feel something.  and that for me for right now that maybe i should rely on Him and feel something even if it ain’t grand.

and at church we’re doing a study of jonah.  ok, read our “about” page that was written years ago.  and something the pastor said stung me in my numbness.  how much will it take to get your attention before something drastic has to?  i’ve been to drastic.  i don’t wanna go again.  fish vomit ain’t no fun.  and that nagging was there again.

and i’ve been following a great friend’s faith journey.  and living the joy through her life.  and watching God’s hand on her life in tangible ways.  and i remember that touch.  and the nagging again.

i remember feeling.  and what’s ridiculous is that His hand is still moving everything in my life.  amazing blessings.  all the time.  and some are big enough for me to still see even in my blindness - the house, the van, our newest sweetie, miracle checks just when we need the money.  but i know from past experience that my life is overflowing with the smaller ones and i’m just not seeing them.  and i want to see.  i want to feel.  i miss Him.  like in any relationship you can stay so close you know all the nuances of that person and you can drift a little and it not matter much - you still see them occasionally and then there are the times that you slowly let that friend drift - you just don’t call today because it’s crazy and then you can’t make your weekly visit because the car has a flat and you’ll see ‘em next week anyway and then you wonder where your friend is and why it’s awkward when you do find the time to call.  and the awkwardness keeps you from calling the next time you think of them.  and then they’re gone.  and you’ve moved on.  and miss them.  but not enough to get up out of your comfort.  i miss Him like that.  i remember when our relationship was that tangible.  and i miss Him.  i don’t just want to recapture that closeness to avoid the fish vomit - i want to hold His hand.  i want to laugh with abandon.  i want to cry freely.  i want to engage.

and so i begin this journey.  of seeking.  of knocking.  and i know He’ll answer.  because He’s just like that.  and i’ll keep you posted.  because maybe, just maybe, i’m not alone here.  and i could really use some friends for the journey back to Him.  wanna come?  ’cause I know Him well enough to know it’s fixin’ to be a wild ride.  and i’m ready for a little wildness.  because He’s not a tame lion, you know.