it bothered me last night after i put my views on abortion in my post. and i prayed about it. and i felt like, instead of just deleting it, that i should clarify some things that have brought me to this point of view.

first of all, i have friends, close friends that have had abortions. i can think of 5 girls i know well immediately. and i know, having seen them go through it, that it leaves incredible scars. they talk of the anniversary of the death, of when their birthday would have been, would they have been able to make it with the baby, they look at other people with children and think of about how old their child would’ve been. it’s heartbreaking. i do not judge them. i love them and i hate that they hurt over this. i would counsel someone to do differently if i could, but in the meantime i would hold their hand while they were hurting. my compassion is as strong as my convictions.

second of all, like i mentioned in the post, i believe God when he tells us in psalm 138:13-16: (a)For you formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. (b)I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. (c)My frame was not hidden from You, when i was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth; Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; (d)and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.

(a) He did it, no matter what we look like or what “defects” the world says we have. (b) we give thanks. period. we don’t lament, we don’t whine, we don’t “fix” what God didn’t do “right” He didn’t slip and say, “oops, i didn’t mean to do that, but it’ll be okay” (c)”skillfully wrought” also means “embroidered” “the finishing touches” – in other words, the fancy part of our quilt making or curtain sewing. the pretty parts. and He did it, once again, we weren’t hidden from Him. (d) our days were all written and ordained when there was not yet ONE of them.

third of all, i have been raped, as you’ve read before, i only mention this because i used to rely on this argument before i was. i waited, after that night to see if i would have a period, would i need a test. it was a long wait. in silence and hiding and depression. i debated it, because i always held that it was one of the only reasons women should. and here i was. i finally decided before the period came, that i would keep the child. and this was WAY before i had learned how to forgive him. this child had nothing to do with him or what happened. how could i make another terrible life altering decision for me, much less the child, out of a bad situation. no, if God gave me a baby, then i would take care of what He had entrusted to me. incredibly, i was never faced with the baby in reality. it didn’t happen.

fourth of all, our second son had spina bifida. we saw all the tests, we saw the hole in his spinal column on the ultrasound. and we saw God close it in front of us. it was not by our hands or our will or the doctor or because we were “blessed” and others aren’t (which is bunk by the way.) it was because God had a different plan. i don’t know why. we were offered to “eliminate the pregnancy”. we chose the “risk”. my point being, sometimes the risk is real. and God chooses not to heal. and i don’t know why. but we don’t know how the outcome will be. we don’t know who will glorify God through our situations and that is our point in life (whether it sounds right or not). i have known many people with “defects” that we think should curse God, but they glorify Him and love Him more than i ever will. how is that possible? i don’t know, but i know He doesn’t tell us to rely on our own wisdom. i also know, that a child in pain for it’s entire life then to die young is not something that God wants. He loves our children more than we do, but our life here is but a vapor. it’s so fast, and again, i don’t know how that child’s terrible little life falls into the plan, but we can’t know His plan.

fifth of all, if i was told with this baby growing in my belly now (which i obviously pray is not the case) that my life would be at risk if i carried the baby to term, i would be in a hard spot. that would leave my husband with 4 children to raise on his own, one of which would be a newborn. would i risk the rest of the lives and their outcomes for my determination to carry that baby. probably. again, i would have to hope that there would be a miracle with which to praise God to all the nations – like with our second born. and then, trust that if it didn’t come out the way that we would want that God had a different more wonderful plan for my husband and children and that He was working for good in their lives for the future.

i do not expect this post to change your mind. i don’t. i simply thought it would be good for me to let you know why i think the way i do. we never have to talk about this again and we can go on as if this discussion never happened. or i’m open to many questions and we can dialogue. your decisions have to line up with scripture. all of scripture. your life has to be infused with His word in order to make the decisions He would have you to make. “they meant it for evil, but He used it for good.” we must trust that if we wouldn’t give our own children a snake or a rock that His gifts are even better than what we can imagine. our lives are about a bigger picture. and we just fit into it.

also notice the time stamp on this one, and the time stamp on the last. i’m waiting a girl out right now. go find the ones about sleep.

85. i hate divisive statements, things, people. almost didn’t put the abortion one for this reason. decided giving my reason for it, outweighed the shocknawe of the statement.
86. i love letterman. not just a little.
87. i have terrible postpartum. i get down, but the real problem is, i get angry.
88. i don’t care what anybody says (here’s another one of those divisive statements…) zoloft in those times, is allowed by God to balance me. get help if you have the same problem. your marriage, your health, and the mental stability of your children is more important than if people tell you that you just aren’t “spiritual” enough, read, “i’m judging you in a time of great need.”
89. i love to cook.
90. i taught myself to cook.
91. i love to sew (quilt mainly).
92. i taught myself to quilt.
93. i’ve only flown once – and only from l.r. to memphis.
94. i giggled the whole way up.
95. i once road-tripped to dallas to interview to be a flight attendant.
96. i love the foo fighters.
97. i love sarah mclachlan. but only fumbling toward ecstacy. she kinda sold out after that.
98. i really want to go to a bon jovi concert some day.
99. i wear clothing as a covering for my body. i haven’t had enough money in 7 years to dress in any other way. i’ve just about conquered my coveting and my insecurities.
100. our dream is to start a diner/coffee/sandwich shop – me work the front, and my honey cook.

i tag becky and judo. and brittany.

this is not really fair, since i already gave like 65 on one of my previous blogs, but i will try to come up with yet more stuff.

1. i have baby #4 growing in my belly!
2. this will be our last, short of a miracle.
3. i always wanted this many babies.
4. everybody said after i had one baby i would change my mind. ha ha. i said, ha ha.
5. i love coffee.
6. i have no sense of humor.
7. i married a man who is almost all sense of humor.
8. i get 4-5 hours of broken sleep a night.
9. i have a minimum of 6 years left of that much sleep.
10. i have made a conscious decision to have the last 3 babies. TheOldest was a surprise.
11. i went to governor’s school in high school in literary arts.
12. i was an art major.
13. i wanted to animate for disney.
14. i used to sit in disney movies and make my friends watch the credits because, “my name will be here someday.”
15. my first car was an ’86 nissan datsun maximum, diesel, named ethel.
16. i can drive a standard.
17. i’ve had glasses since the 4th grade.
18. i’ve tried contacts and they hurt so much and were so dry that i quit.
19. i decided wearing glasses would be cool and that i would start a trend.
20. i have a purple frog tattoo from when i was 17 from a tattoo guy in a travelling bus.
21. i don’t regret it.
22. it looks more like a purple lizard after 3 nursing babies.
23. i do regret this. but find it pretty funny!
24. the worst thing i did at school my whole 12 years of school was refuse to dissect a fetal pig my sophomore year, because i didn’t believe it was right, and i told my teacher, “i will NEVER need to know this my whole life.”
25. i was right.
26. i got written up and my grade was dropped a letter, my gpa suffered because she believed i was just power struggling with her.
27. i graduated with honors in the top 30 of 300 students.
28. i was in the drama club.
29. i was in choir and can’t sing a lick.
30. i was in odessey of the mind.
31. i was in mock trial.
32. i was in quiz bowl.
33. i was in model u. n.
34. i was a nerd.
35. i have had several long-haired guinea pigs.
36. i have had a ferret.
37. i have had a hamster.
38. i have watched my pet mouse have babies.
39. i have had fish, and dogs, and cats.
40. i currently have hermit crabs. i said HERMIT crabs.
41. i have never had a bird, i always thought they were gross.
42. i hate heights, like cry, sweat, freeze up.
43. i hate spiders and bugs that go “pop” when you smoosh them.
44. i have a battle cry reserved for killing those things.
45. i was anti-killing anything in high school – bugs, deer, anything.
46. i once helped my husband “process” a freshly killed deer in our kitchen in our white sink. to save money.
47. i will never do this again.
48. unless i’m starving, and then i will not only eat my words, i will eat the prey.
49. i don’t believe in abortion. ever. i don’t believe God makes mistakes. ever. see psalm 138:13-16.
50. we almost lost our first baby when he was born.
51. for the whole 2nd trimester with our second baby we were bumped from one specialist to another believing he had spinabifida.
52. we were offered an abortion.
53. i still believed #49.
54. i have been date-raped.
55. i have forgiven. it’s amazing!
56. the year i became a Christian i read the whole Bible cover-to-cover in 4 weeks. and processed it.
57. i was a skeptic and wanted to know what it was that i was associating myself with.
58. i became a religious zealot.
59. then i discovered grace and not just the law.
60. since then, i’ve seen God bring my mom back to church, my sister and her husband start going to church and proclaiming Christ, and my dad go from almost anti-jesus to telling me “it’s all about glorifying Christ.”
61. these things had nothing to do with me, they were in spite of my bashing them on the head with a Bible.
62. i love some kind of wonderful.
63. and can’t buy me love.
64. and almost anything with john cusack in it.
65. i was basically josie grossy in high school.
66. i love watching romance comedies.
67. our first born’s name was decided by a movie, not the Bible. (we were living not following Jesus at the time.)
68. my huz has ALWAYS wanted a baby named Parker Parker Parker.
69. Parker P. Parker, P.P. Parker, P. Parker Parker, Parker P.P., Parker Parker P. the options are endless, he says.
70. i told him i would think about it on our last baby.
71. uh oh.
72. i love oreos.
73. i won’t drink plain milk, unless it’s to have oreos dipped in it or alongside a brownie.
74. all boys close your eyes, really skip this one, huz would kill me for writing it… i have never worn a tampon. i plan to never wear one the rest of my life. they’re gross. yes, i know i’ve had 3 babies, i don’t care.
75. i hate being around people who are not encouraging.
76. one of my favorite Bible characters is Barnabas (new testament somewhere) he is so the encourager.
77. one of my other favorite characters is Rahab – the prosititute that hid God’s spies, and was bold enough to ask for not only her life to be spared, but all her family. she was redeemed. i love it.
78. i used to be blond. naturally, then not.
79. i have been a red head.
80. i taught myself to french braid.
81. i love the animaniacs.
82. i have their c.d., several vcr tapes, and i wore a “dot” fake tattoo to my senior prom.
83. i love they might be giants. go look them up, now. i don’t want to figure out how to link right now.
84.i got tired and i’m going to bed. i’ll try to finish another day.

“wanna kiss, mama?”

the other night at small group, i’m trying to teach a class on how to biblically be a better wife and mom. and everybody’s kiddos are running in and out of the room a million times and i keep smiling and telling the mamas who are shooing them away that it’s okay, that it doesn’t matter, that that’s what we’re here for. and my own keeps coming in, to (mind you) not tell on somebody or throw fits, but just to tell me about the next thing that he’s SO excited about. and i smile and nod, and after awhile begin to be self-conscious about how often he’s saying, “mama, guess what” and i begin to worry that the other women are starting to get irritated by the distractedness of my interrupted ramblings, and pull my oldest quietly to the side and gently tell him that he needs to stay in the back and not keep interrupting because we’re trying to work. he frowns a little and runs on out to the next kid adventure.

flash forward to bedtime the same night. i’m exhausted and ready to see my honey and sit down – 2 things i haven’t been able to do all day. i rush a little through bedtime, give him the mandatory peck on the head, blow him a kiss, and walk out. he begins to cry some, i go back in (again), and he asks if i can lay with him (a nightly battle). no, i want to go see daddy. please, for just a minute, mama? okay, just a minute. as i’m lying next to him and brushing his hair back (and trying to not get irritated by wanting to just go sit on the couch with pearl) i say, “did you have fun with all the kids tonight?” “yeah” (a little forlorn sounding for an answer to that question.) “what’s up, big man, did something happen?” “you wouldn’t let me come to you tonight.”

whoosh. my world, like the new camera tricks in the movies, comes quickly and acutely into view – focused solely on his little head. i’d missed it. the whole point. and Jesus whispers to me, “let the little children come to me.” i think i just got sucker punched in the gut. by me. by my selfishness, by my grown-upness, by my insecurity. these are the things we remember from our childhood, not how much fun we had playing with the other kids, but how excited mama was to hear about how we jumped off the bed just right and made everyone laugh. and i missed it. and he knew it. and i have so much to learn from Jesus. if i’d just listen. and don’t try to tell me about you have to train them to respect adults and their “grown-up” time and blah, blah, blah. that’ll come. if i focus on their hearts first.